Criminally Crippled Capers

1/31/2011 04:50:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 5 Comments

Last year when I first got the BendyBus I decided that it was my ultimate aspiration to be arrested for drink driving it. Until Roland shattered my dreams by informing me that I could lose my driving license for drink driving a mobility scooter. Even on the pavement. The judicial system has a serious sense of humour failure when it comes to 'invalidity carriages', the DVLA recently spoilt tank wheelchair man's fun by telling him he needed a special license to drive it on public roads or land. So, no drink driving the BendyBus, which to be fair as I don't drink and rarely go out might've been hard to acheive in the first place. But never let it be said I allowed something so trivial as reality get in the way of  my dreams.

On Saturday I went to see ConventGirl sing at a local fundraising gig. I was not allowed to rant about the deep inappropriateness of raising money to experimentally 'cure' a disabled child whilst at the actual gig, being there soley to support my friend, but happily no such restrictions have been put on my ranting outside of said gig. I can just about manage to contain myself to a "what the fuck?!" but only because we'd otherwise be here all day while I repeatedly fell off my soapbox.

I spent so long scattering the entire contents of my wardrobe across my room in a frantic search for an outfit that would be nice enough to wear out but also warm enough to sit on a mobility scooter in the freezing darkness in, that I was too late to meet the other friend coming along to the gig and had to make him sit and wait while I continued getting ready in my specially disorganised way. Sorry. I blame the drunken neighbours who arrived just before him for delaying me and not at all the clothing mountain.

We made it to the gig with time to fulfil my official role as destresser of ConventGirl and were joined by another of my neighbours. Overall the event was woefully poorly attended, perhaps because I wasn't the only one muttering 'what the fuck' while steam came out of my ears about the inappropriateness of the 'cause' but we had great company and a nice time. ConventGirl was of course brilliant and I am not at all biased. The others all had to leave before me and I wasn't happy about driving BendyBus solo down the bar lined main road in the post pub period so waited for ConventGirl to walk me home.

Except by the time it came to 'walk' home we might've been a teensy bit inebriated. So inebriated that giving ConventGirl a backy on BendyBus seemed like the best idea we'd ever had. Off we set along the pavement of the main road, starting and stopping as we variously lost gloves, had to put BendyBus back together and searched for a lighter we couldn't find anywhere.The few cars and cabs which went past seemed most amused to see two women weaving along the pavement on a mobility scooter which only encouraged our conviction that this was absolutely the best way to travel.

Moments before Police. Stop. Action!

It was then that a ginormous yellow 'police, we're filming you' CCTV van pulled up alongside us with window wound down, and a rather cute looking copper leant out to enquire of us "Ladies. Is that actually made for two?" I managed to shake my head, and agree that it wasn't before dissolving into uncontrollably hysterical naughty schoolgirl type giggles. ConventGirl leapt off BendyBus and attempted to convince the policemen she was sober 'honest officer' and just seeing me home safely. I was beyond any kind of convincing and purely concentrating on not falling off BendyBus with laughter. Fortunately the policemen looked equally amused and drove off leaving us where we were, we were both laughing so much it took us a few minutes to get it together enough to go anywhere by that point.

After reflecting upon events we decided that the fates had probably stolen the lighter to protect us from ourselves.