I have just read Kaliya’s blog, I really do feel for her, as well as a colleague she is also a friend and work wise we get on like Bread and Butter.
I know about being of sick in the past when I regularly had epilepsy and discolating and fracturing my shoulder and had to have to off for six weeks, the jobs I had no flexi-hours. I was sometimes stayed in hospital until I got better I also had district nurses to clean me as I could not wash myself.
People might say it’s un fair to have more sick days off or even unlimited time off for being sick, because it’s not equal opportunities. I would say it’s just un fair for not having more sick time off or unlimited time off, we cannot help with our disability.
I am a proud person with disabilities as well as having epilepsy I have a learning disability, mild autism even though I might not of being tested for this ( I went to an Autistic School in the late 60’s) I also get anxiety problems when things go wrong or filling in forms. I have had epilepsy since the age of 3, I still think people still not understand it. I usually get epilepsy if I am over tired, but I always think there is not enough days in a week.
I am a bit of a workaholic, do not just ask me, ask Kaliya as well, she tells me I am doing to much. I do have a great supporter in Michelle who helps me with my work, she is a friend to me as well, she helps me with anything complicated like form filling in, diarizing and travel ect.
I have got a great team of people from Housing and Support Alliance, I do not know what I do with out them and my network of people I have known for years, and finally my family who can tell what is being happen with in my job which I love doing and discussing the year ahead with Kaliya, I do not make decisions without her, we are a team.
These days, all I can think about is sleep. When can I go back to bed? How can I fit in a few more hours? The January dark and cold doesn't help, but even on a beautiful sunny morning like today, going back to bed is all I'm looking forward to. I've only been up 20 minutes.
I've been in work for about 10 months. I think. One of the most difficult challenges at the moment is that I can't think properly. That's fine when it just lasts for a couple of days; but this has been months. More months than I can count without losing track. I know it was October things started to really slide, but my brain won't function sufficiently to work out the months between then and now.
I did start picking up a bit. But then I went to London for work, the taxi I was travelling in hit a pothole and I ended up stuck in a London hotel room with spinal dislocations and whiplash. Then, well, it's winter. So I got a bug. Then a chest infection. Then the bug just didn't clear. Somewhere in all the middle of that it was Christmas and New Year. Apart from a brief few hours with family, they went pretty unremarked. Mostly because of the 'when can I sleep again' thing. Did I mention the sleep thing?
The narrative surrounding work is that its good for you, good for your health even. I'd like to believe that. I'm sure its true for many people. Work has definitely been good for my mental health. I absolutely love my job. Working with Gary Bourlet and the other self advocates we've supported is a pleasure and enormous privilege. It gets results too. One of Gary and Shaun's ideas was warmly received by the Employment Minister who is looking into possibilities of making it work.
So yes, the job is great. My colleagues are fantastic. I'm employed on an incredibly flexible set up. I can't imagine a better employer. In theory I have the freedom to work whenever I want, so long as I get my 16 hours a week done. And of course I don't have to do them all in the one week. But the convoluted tax credits vs means test benefits rules mean I can't reduce them to say, 10 hours a week. Then I'd have to go back onto ESA. And then apply for permitted work. Politicians talk alot about how Universal Credit will be the answer to all this. But then Universal Credit functions about as well as my spine. So I shan't hold my breath.
Which was all ok. But then it was summer and I had a bit more energy. And the upper spinal dislocations weren't quite as bad at that point. But they are now. Just holding my own head up is hard work. I've seen babies with better head control than I've got. And after months of failing to be able to find the right words, to not be able to write, or to even think coherently..they're sort of coming back. A bit.
And as it turned out, there are certain types of brain damage that go hand in hand with the kind of spinal trauma I'm regularly experiencing. So having wandered around muttering "I've got brain damage" for months might've been more accurate than I'd thought.
When I tell people how hard this is, how at the moment all that's keeping me going is the thought that if it all gets too bad I can go back on ESA, but that I really do love my job. They say that's sad.
But they don't really understand. Not any of the work is good for you people. How can anyone possibly understand what this is like without being in a similar situation. Or how, even with the most supportive employer in the world, how the pressure just increases as you fall further behind the tasks you need to do, but your brain just will not work sufficiently to order or achieve anything. My employers don't put any pressure on me. But its there. Inside me. And there is an election on the way. That sort of imposes another timetable on everything.
Because we all want to believe that work is good for people. And in lots of cases it is. Apart from when it isn't. Even when I'm doing well and feeling ok, I'm managing work by not wasting spoons on anything else. Including washing and dressing. I am not convinced that is good for me. Its certainly not good for the people around me. But given I'm so exhausted I don't want to see, speak to or do anything, the dodgy smell is less of an issue than it could be.
There's alot of talk amongst disabled campaigners about moving from the Support Group to work. The holy grail for everyone is 'flexible working'. I know, I spent years believing that if I could just get the right job, with the right set up, then working would be possible.
And it sort of is. So long as I do absolutely nothing else in my life. So long as I use my 4 or so functional hours each day on nothing but work. This weekend, thinking I was getting better I went out for a few daytime hours. It was the first time since the London whiplash incident. The outside felt jarring, surreal. I went to a meeting, which if I'm honest was more work than not work, then went to bed. The next day I met an old friend for coffee. Then I went to bed. Then I started projectile vomiting. And it didn't stop. Splatter pattern ratings were assigned. As ever, when vomiting, the force pulled at my spine. All the good work my physio had done two days before was undone.
Spoonydoc has written this excellent piece in response to the current discussion about moving straight from the support group to full time work. It really is excellent, so do read it. But I can't remember the point I was trying to make anymore. I've been writing for 20 minutes or so, and awake for an hour. I'm so tired nothing will keep straight in my head. I need to go back to bed. But I also really do need to use some spoons on getting clean. The post vomit smell is bad enough for a day. Beyond that, its beyond rank.
But showering takes energy. Energy I simply don't have.
What I need is just to turn everything off. For months. To sleep as much as I need, to focus on the routine of getting washed. At least more days than not getting washed. To eat well, to spend time on physio. To try and find some form of exercises that will assist my feckless, workshy neck muscles to remember why they exist and hold my bloody head up for me.
But that's the key difference between paid work and being on an incapacity type benefit. Even if you're doing lots of voluntary work..voluntary is just that. When you need to focus on your health more than anything for an undefined period...well, you can. You have an income to allow you to do so. Sure, its not much, but unless you've also got an enormous debt, it is usually enough to keep a roof over your head, have enough to eat and pay the bills.
Other people tell me this is really sad. I already know that. I live it. I live with the sadness of never having the energy to do anything. Of knowing that I'm constantly irritable and unpleasant to be around. With the fear that what I'm doing to my body will ultimately result in a spinal dislocation so severe the cognitive impairments it causes will never go. That the voice loss won't come back. Oh and the quadriplegia risk.
I love my job. I quite like working really. Or I think I do when I'm not so exhausted. I certainly love the work Gary and I do. I must do. I don't do anything else.
But please, don't make the mistake of thinking that this is easy. Or that work really is good for everyone's health, we just need to think of work differently. Because frankly, that just isn't reality for some of us.
There was probably meant to be some sort of concluding thought to this. But I can't remember it. And I need to go back to bed.
"I never thought I would hear you say that, I'm so proud of you" was LovelyCarer's (slightly teary) comment last week when she overheard me saying that I couldn't wait to go on holiday to have a break from work. Today is May Day, International Worker's Day and of course, the 9th annual Blogging Against Disablism Day hosted by Diary of A Goldfish. It's the 8th BADD I've taken part in, and reading back through my old blogs I was reminded of how much has changed over the past decade - coming to terms with disability, learning to life a life with disability that is full and rewarding, the removal of the security part of social support and just recently, starting my first paid employment since 2003.
It's been quite a journey! Whatever the politicians may say about not letting people fall out of the workplace, or that unemployment is bad for your health, for me, without that ten years of secure support I would never have managed to learn to live with my disability, let alone consider volunteering or working. The first few years I was in shock, then there were the years I had to learn to become an expert in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and all the associated skills needed to manage an unpredictable, rare condition. In 2007 I started blogging as a way of reaching out to other disabled people in similar situations. In the back of my mind was always the vague idea that blogging would be a good way of discovering whether I had any talent as a writer, that maybe it might lead somewhere, but it was a fun and interesting hobby which helped with being so isolated. Gradually I started to learn more about disability, about communication and became more interested in the emerging social media platforms. Somehow, without really realising I developed expertise about disability rights, how to use the political process and various media tactics.
Then, last year there was a profound change in my life. After a 14 month battle with the local authority I finally received a direct payments package sufficient to meet my needs and was able to employ a PA. Suddenly instead of spending every day with my primary focus being how to manage to eat, having a PA to support me meant being able to raise my ambitions. I can't overstate the importance social care has played in this, without it I would be straight back to putting all my time and energy into managing the most basic needs, and all the progress I've made, including employment, would be lost. The nagging fear that eligibility criteria will change, or further cuts to social care will mean a reduction in support never quite goes away, coupled with the certainty that should that happen, I will also be unable to work.
It's almost two months now since I started work as co-development lead for People First England. Enough time to have struggled through the financial implications of leaving benefits and waiting for wages and tax credits to begin. It's also been a 'too close for comfort' insight into why the use of food banks is increasing - politicians simply do not understand how, for people on very low incomes, just a week without income can plunge them into a downward spiral of debt and desperation, or how massive a barrier to starting work that can be.
I'm incredibly lucky, I have supportive friends around me who are in a position to be able to lend me money, but it is still humiliating to ask, and a pressure on friendships. I'm even more lucky to have the employer I do, as if I were working in a typical environment the challenges I've faced would have meant losing that employment as soon as I'd gained it.
I have that 'holy grail' of 'spoonie' jobs - I work from home, part time at hours to suit me. I'm supported by my employers to work remotely using Skype to attend meetings or conferences and to keep travel to the minimum. Even more than that, I have employers who remind me that if I'm not well and need 3 days or 3 weeks in bed, then all I have to do is let them know before turning everything off and going to bed.
I have employers willing to help me through the Access to Work process, which I applied for in early January and is still not sorted. Most of the equipment is now with me, and some of it even, sort of, works. However, I don't have any PA hours to support work, have no idea when or if Access to Work will ever grant those and I'm not allowed to use my social care budget for work. Social care is for social care, Access to Work is for work and apparently never the twain shall meet. Which is not overly practical when I need a PA with me at work events to do things like open doors for me, because they are social care not employment needs. Apparently the work PA (if I ever get one) is supposed to not open doors, or assist with getting me food but just be there for 'work' stuff. Stupid is as stupid does.
Access to Work is a fantastic scheme, but it is not operating as well as it could and should given that it is the only government project for which the treasury receives back £1.48 for every £1.00 spent. Huge delays in support arriving are incompatible with the realities of employment and employer needs. It is simply not reasonable to expect employers to cope with lengthy delay before someone can start work, especially within a national 'skivers' narrative and hugely competitive employment process.
I'm also not 'off benefits', I've just been re-classified as a hard working striver scrounger, which is a species of the scrounger genus never mentioned by politicians. I receive almost as much in benefits now, made up of Tax Credits and Local Housing Allowance as I did when I was out of work. However, as I also get a salary and have survived the debt and stress of the transition process I am much better off financially. This wouldn't be the case if I had had to access expensive credit from a payday loan company which most people have to do during that change-over as I would have been plunged into a debt/repayment cycle lasting months. Due to the limitations in hours I can manage to work for health reasons, even with a good pro-rata salary I cannot earn enough to support myself without those additional benefits.
I also have a job I absolutely love, which is an enormous privilege. This counters the fear that I'll never again find such an accomodating employer, and increases the pressure I feel to stay in work.
Because what isn't discussed by politicians, or the huge welfare to work industry, is that even with the right attitudes and the right support, managing to maintain employment with a fluctuating and significantly disabling condition which also causes pain, fatigue and illness is like walking a knife edge whilst juggling. There's always the risk that one of the balls will drop, and in the process cause injuries taking months or years to recover from. There will always be a lucky few who have skills and experience unique enough to make it desirable for employers to accomodate such extreme needs, but for most people and most jobs that simply is not realistic. Would Tesco wait months on end for their new shelf stacker to be able to start work? Could a school who'd employed a disabled teacher manage for a whole term whilst waiting for their support to arrive?
Of course they couldn't. And wouldn't. Why should they? If disabled people are to reach employment rates comparable to the rest of the population then there are huge changes of the kind outlined by the recent Labour taskforce report, Breaking the links between disability and poverty which must be implemented as a matter of urgency. However, as even one of the three major political parties in this country hasn't managed to understand the importance of access and ensure its availability I won't be holding my breath.
I just hope, that the next time I reflect back on a decade in my life, I will be able to say that things really have got better. Not just for a fortunate few, but for all those sick and disabled people who want employment and are well enough to manage to do so.
Today marks the start of my fifth week in work. I think. To be honest it's all a bit tiring and I'm no longer sure. I love my job, but will that be enough? And did I mention the tired?
What I do know for sure is that my benefits stopped on March 10th the day I formally started work. Since then I've applied for tax credits, housing benefit and council tax benefit. There is a four week run on of Local Housing Allowance so that has continued to go into my bank account. But that's it. No tax credits. No letter acknowledging tax credits claim has been received. No wages til later this month. Oh, and no way of talking to anyone at tax credits to check they have got my application, just a recorded message explaining they are taking a minimum of five weeks to process claims and won't talk to claimants until after that time is up.
This is why people end up with payday loans or go to foodbanks. There isn't another way.*
If I make a genuine mistake filling out a benefits application I get fined £50
But if I were a Cabinet Minister, a former Minister for Disabled People, who had pushed through these cuts affecting disabled people and working people...
*Please don't worry - I have friends who are in a position to lend me money until wages and tax credits start properly, I won't have to go to a food bank or payday loan company. But how many people have friends willing and able to lend them hundreds of pounds for an undefined amount of time?
After more hours on hold to various DWP departments than I care to think about and several discussions with concerned, expert DWP advisors about whether it would be better for me to do permitted work than full on employment....
I've managed to sign off ESA! Quite why it is such a difficult process is beyond me, the automated systems the DWP are using reduced me to tears, but all the staff I actually spoke to were excellent. This doesn't bode well for the 'digital by default' futureproof benefits planning the DWP are hanging everything on currently.
So having decided I can only face dealing with one benefit department per day, today's task is to try and sort out housing and council tax benefits.
And to try and squash the panic triggered by yesterday's DWP advisor asking me if moving into work was a change of circumstances for DLA. I don't see why it should be given I'm working part time from home in my pyjamas*. But, if that question does trigger the system as a change of circumstances it will also trigger an application for PIP.
There's simply no way I can remain in employment without DLA. There's also no way I can manage to juggle coming off several benefits, applying for several different benefits, deal with the social care implications, actually do my job AND apply for PIP.
So, should this be treated as a change of circumstances and the PIP forms arrive I'll have no choice but go to straight back onto ESA and stop working.
I'd really like to congratulate the government on having spent obscene sums of money on 'welfare reform', terrified disabled people and somehow managed to make it MORE difficult to move into work. As achievements go...that's quite an impressive one..
*frequently smelling of sick, so it's a good job I'm avoiding face to face meetings!
