It may only have been a week since my last post, but it's certainly been an eventful one. In chronological order;
The trip to see Big. It was lovely to see him, and after a bit of a struggle on my own unable to call for assistance as it didn't exist in the airport car park at 4.30am, things actually ran really smoothly on that front. I did think as I was left sat alone in a wheelchair next to the aeroplane on the tarmac as the man assisting me wandered off to find someone to work the lift to the plane that maybe they thought disabled people were incapable of committing crimes, or of being any kind of threat, but that would be really stupid, wouldn't it? At the other end I could not have been more impressed with the way the assistance and services were organised, it put everything in this country to shame and just showed how good things could potentially be
Overall, things were as I expected, and had discussed with a couple of friends before I went, the make or break situation, well, for me anyway, having previously tried to end things and move on, and a part of me needed to go and see him for things to end. I don't know what he thinks, or feels, I doubt with him I ever will, which is one of the reasons it had to end for me, but unlike previous times I finally feel a readiness to move on, whatever hold he has had over me for the past three years having come to its own conclusion. I'll always care about him, always be fond of him, suspect we'll always be friends, but as we discussed whilst I was there, neither of us are the people we were when we met, and I feel like I'm about to start a new stage of my life, something I'm strangely excited about.
I got back on the thursday evening, so I was totally knackered and in no mood to drag myself to Toes Hallowe'en party on the friday night. I got a few messages from him throughout the day telling me he'd accept no excuses, and even telling me to get back to bed in the afternoon to make sure I made it! After all that I forced myself to get ready, going for the fetish part of the theme, purely because it meant making no more effort than wearing the contents of my underwear drawer. Leah and her boyfriend had come round to get ready at mine, so we could all be several hours late arriving, meaning things were in full swing when we got there. The 6'5 grim reaper was sat in the kitchen whilst Toes pranced round in his dress and corset by the decks with a guy in jeans and a t shirt. I noticed the tall, dark haired guy as soon as I arrived, but I'm ashamed to admit I thought he was gay, mainly because he was so good looking, but partly forgiveable I suppose at a party full of people where both sex and sexuality are very blurred.
I soon joined the smokers in the garden, wanting to catch up with the grim reaper, but before long fascinated by the conversation of the (all male) group. They were all a dither, having only just realised that the tall, ravishingly pretty girl they'd all been eyeing up wasn't actually a girl. I was more amused than I should have been at this as after a few initial shocked remarks, all but one bloke came rapidly to the conclusion that 'she' should see it as a compliment and moved on from the subject. Or they attempted to. The bloke who was gutted to the point he had tears in his eyes, kept going on and on about his psychological distress, that he actually might not have found out until the last moment was, so overweight, unattractive, and devoid of all personal and social skills that there was no way this attractive girl would ever notice him, and yet he was convinced he'd been in with a serious chance. Bizarre. However, whilst this was going on I had sussed out pretty quick that the seriously good looking guy wasn't gay, or a woman, or any of the other possibilities there that evening, he was it seemed 'just' a friend of a friend of Toes, who just so happened to be devastatingly good looking, Irish, funny, charming, and maybe flirting with me a little bit. I kind of hoped he was anyway, he was sharing my spliff while we were chatting away, back inside for a while, then back outside carrying on chatting when we were watching the fireworks set off by very drunken people in breach of any and every safety rule ever thought of whilst after one or two we ended up cowering in the kitchen, then, as these things happen, at these kind of parties anyway, he went a bit white and had to go to bed. Sigh. I was a bit mortified that I'd killed not just the most attractive man there, but the most good looking man any of us girls had seen for ages. ( I think we're a bit starved of attractive men round here!)
The party invitation had been for the whole weekend, although that's not usually taken up by the likes of me, so its not unusual for people to randomly get in to, or out of bed at any given point, in fact the very first one of Toes parties I went to, the whole evening was spent in his bed, with about 20 other people. No, not that kind of party. Dirty minded lot. Little Miss Red Riding Hood had turned up, just in time for the fireworks, she's a girl Toes knows, and really fancies from work, and she and I spent hours chatting in that way you do when you don't know each other but bond at a party, about men, shoes, clothes, men, sex, men, and men some more. We were talking about some guy she's crazy about at work, and so when Toes asked me today if I thought she might like him, I felt really awkward as she's totally in to this other guy. Eventually we somehow ended up in Toes bedroom, the gorgeous guy crashed out in the other bedroom and several people crashed out in Toes bed while a load of people carried on dancing downstairs.
The girly bonding conversation carried on with Toes and another mate listening and occasionally contributing, but every time I got up to go to the loo I went into the other room to check on the sexy Irishman, partly out of a vague sense of concern and responsibility, and partly just because he was so damn sexy. Mind, he managed to come alive every time I checked on him and chat to me for a few minutes, trying to get me to stay in there with him.
By around 4am although a few hard core dancers were still going there were about 5 people sleeping in Toes room and I'd crashed in the other room, which has no door and is lacking all its walls with the sexy Irishman. We were talking and giggling for a while in the single bed, before kissing, while other people wandered in and out hoping to crash out in the bed, or Toes come to check I wasn't being ravished against my will.
Hours later, after it had got light, we ended up back at my house, at first to sleep, but gradually it became one of those magical weekends where you only get out of bed to get each other clean so you can get each other dirty again. I drove him back to the old friend he was supposed to be spending the weekend with on sunday lunchtime both of us with silly grins on our faces.
He's so good looking that Fruitrock actually cheered earlier when she saw me, and even better he doesn't even seem to know it. Unfortunately he lives between 2.5 to 3.5 hours drive away from me, which puts a bit of a dampner on the whole situation, but we both said we'd like to see each other again, and have been texting since, with him being sure to tell me he won't be able to get my email for a few days as he's in work, which I hope is a good sign. We'll see. Life has already started to feel very different.