Once I'd read all the helpful advisory tweets I concluded the best option for me and the housebreaking arachnid was to wash it down the plug hole. Thoroughly so it couldn't pull an insey winsey trick and climb back up. Shower head in hand I pointed it at spidey and took a deep, slightly wobbly breath.
It bloody JUMPED at me!! Jumped. Repeatedly. In a sort of reverse bungy jumping, spidery kind of way. Once I'd screamed hysterically and fallen over my own feet trying to get out of the bathroom before the spider could kill me, I realised the spider was part of a wider web of intrigue. I suspect the government are now employing jumping spiders to test the veracity of claimed level of disability. If you can reel backwards when the spider jumps you're fit for work. Let's face it, spiders are cheaper than the current DWP contractors and with the current accuracy rates for decisions 'battle the arachnid for benefits' is a viable alternative.