Monday, June 18, 2007

Today, so far, is not proving up there with the best of my days. This I know is because yesterday was a good day, and it is a rare event indeed, and one worthy of celebration when I have two good days in a row.

So why, such a bad day? Well, I feel frankly shite! I suppose like when 'normals' get the flu, and ache all over, through your muscles down deep, deep into your bones, but really that's just for starters. I don't think too closely about the pain, it's generally better not to think about it as 'ignoring' it for me is a better strategy for dealing with pain that never leaves you. My pelvis is niggling away, not as unstable as it has been, but determined to remind me that if I don't take it very easy today then it will have a tantrum all of it's own in the next couple of days rendering me unable to even drag myself to the loo. My hands/fingers/wrists are grumbling away at me as a write this, objecting fiercely, every so often one of the smalll bones dislocating, sometimes silently, sometimes with an unpleasant side effect Hollywood would probably pay good money to record! I refuse to even think about my shoulders as the left one has been dislocated now since September of last year, stubbornly popping back out within a few moments of anyone managing to have enough guts and skill to relocate it, the right one I gave up on years back. My ribs and hips are also well and truly in on the act, clearly not wanting to feel left out.

But none of that explains why I feel as though I just want to lay down and weep. That I'm guessing is a combination of things, partly the washed out, wet blanket type feeling, that comes from having physically pushed myself too hard, and partly the emotional stuff which is all a big muddle of the Man and my life. I know I always feel sad the day after I see the Man, but really this is all getting a bit too much! Having a bit of a cry about him is one thing, and probably well needed, but ending up once again weeping with frustration about not being in work, wanting to work, not being able to work, and feeling that it's all things I can't control that are stopping me from working...well, that's quite another!

I hate, hate, hate living like this, hate, hate, hate living on benefits, it is quite frankly shit. There is no other way to describe the awful degradation that being forced to live this way makes you feel, and anyone who thinks otherwise should try living my life for a couple of weeks.

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