Thursday, April 17, 2008

Just good friends

There is a reason I blog anonymously. One which is very important to me. I'm not ashamed of anything I write about and have nothing to hide. But. And it is a significant but. I blog anonymously to give me the freedom to talk about issues affecting my life in a way I don't feel able to in my 'real life'

Which is why I haven't blogged much in the past week.

Despite being asked not to, Toes, having seen my benefit scrounging email address went ahead and googled the blog. Then, to rub salt into the wound, after telling me he had done so, ensuring I knew it was of no interest to him whatsoever, boring and not filled with vitriolic conspiracy theories about the NHS as he had hoped it would be, he opted to call himself Princess Fairy Toes on msn.

If I'm fully honest with myself I am far more upset and angry about this than I would usually be. The reason being that Toes insists he needed to 'check' to find out the truth. Very conspiracy theory indeed. Some time ago Toes had some serious work related problems. So serious that had the accusations against him been proved he would have lost his job and been unable to get another. The police would also have been involved. A stressful situation, but not one (I imagine) that usually leads to accusing your friends, and in my case turning up at my house accompanied by another of his friends to accuse and interrogate me one Sunday morning. After which Toes went on to phone round various friends, some mutual, some not so mutual, to try and find the proof he wanted. He even got in touch with the Sexy Irishman of all people. He was insistent that I must be the person who had reported him (anonymously) to his employers.

Now, I have no idea who reported Toes, or why, but I do know there was a great deal of truth in the accusations made. I also don't react well to being accused of any kind of lie or falsehood. That's my issue which dates back to the time before I was diagnosed. At the time Toes was suspended and screaming and shouting about how it must have been me who did it, I deliberately did not blog about any of it. His work, his issues, his privacy to respect. Whoever the anonymous accuser was they didn't provide enough evidence for Toes to lose his job, and eventually Toes was absolutely 100% convinced he knew who this person was. Apart from still thinking it was me that is. And now having found out it wasn't the other person he thinks it was probably me again.

The sad, sordid and pathetic little backstory isn't why I'm upset though. Ultimately that is because someone I considered a friend broke my trust and deliberately went ahead to do something I'd asked them not to.

Now I'm left not sure how I feel about this blog. I hope that having (sort of) had it out with Toes I will start to feel better about it in a few days. Right now all I feel is raw and exposed.


That northern bloke said...

oh pleeeease don't leave us Bendy.
Toes-you owe Bendy an apology,and you're very lucky I'm not a real-life aquaintance of hers.Turning up with a mate to interrogate a girl who's little more physically threatening than a pixie?what a fine figure of a man you are.Piss off and get a life you muppet.

Sorry I bandied the L word about last time Bendy,I was a bit squiffy.
Not that I don't love you,of course..heck I'm doing it again..

Anonymous said...

dont leave i love you blogs toes needs to get a life !!

steph said...

Sorry to hear of your predicament, BG

If we were all as honest as you, we'd also admit that we use our blogs to talk about things we wouldn't necessarily talk about elsewhere. That is one of the many bonuses of blogging. I can understand how 'exposed' you must feel because of what's happened but I don't think your blog is in any way to blame. The blame lies with the person who betrayed your trust!

Marla said...

That sucks. I am sorry that happened. I hope you will keep blogging.

I decided to just be who I am. I worry some about it. But, I decided I would not share things unless I was willing to talk to that person directly as well. It makes for a less dramatic blog, I suppose. Less theraputic as well.

Girl, Dislocated said...

Toes owes you a great deal more than an apology. Some friend.

I would feel much the same way if that happened to me. I actually have a statcounter on my site for the sole purpose of monitoring incoming traffic to catch any visits from cities or IP addresses of people I know. I would most likely delete or move my blog if someone who knows me offline were to read it, so you won't hear me telling you not to do that (if you are in fact considering something like that) But, if you do go away or set the blog to private, I hope there'll be some way for your regular readers not to be left behind! :)

cogidubnus said...

Hon, the issue with Toes is one of breach of friendship, breach of trust and ultimately breach of good manners, (could be worse...could be breach of the peace).

In reality, although the skeins may be twisted, it seems to me that the blog is really incidental. I do know, however, that at times like this, stressed out, it's far to easy for any of us to confuse our own motives...

If you do need to take a break from blogging, or, (god forbid), stop, then clearly you really must, but please think carefully about your reasons lest you later regret doing so...

But (and I stress I'm NOT trying to either appeal to you, or put you on some kind of a guilt trip) please be aware a load of us out here are actually inspired by your glorious ramblings!

I have no qualms with the L word in this particular context...Love what you do!

that northern bloke said...

Indeed you are an inspiration.
When you showed us your pink tights,and I went to the seaside for a sugar candy leg..that was the first time i'd been further than the local shop for nearly 4 years.My problems are merely in my head.It takes a hell of a lot of pissing around to leave the flat for ANY reason,but its your chocolate run and the price you pay that finally gets me to open the door.

Semaj Mahgih said...

The sad, sordid and pathetic little backstory isn't why I'm upset though. Ultimately that is because someone I considered a friend broke my trust and deliberately went ahead to do something I'd asked them not to.

These things have a way of sorting themselves out with time, Bendy Girl.

transfattyacid said...

it goes with the territory but it is no reason to stop blogging.

My advice is to go back and consider why you started the blog, what benefits you get from it, and if these outweigh the negatives of the situation, then continue.

Jim said...

Hi BG, I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's one of those things though, and I'm sure it will work itself out.

I agree with you about anonymous blogging. I really wish I'd started an anonymous one as a way of venting my true feelings and what really happens to me.


LceeL said...

Bendy, it's your decision. But if you decide to drop this blog, know that MY world will be diminished for it.

Anonymous said...

If its any consolation, I have no idea who you are, and I'm probably better set up than most to find out.

(...then again, its not like I've really tried...)


Emma said...

I am sorry Bendy and I really hope you don't decide to quit, I have a pressie for you over at mine, come and collect it, it might make you feel a bit better...xx

kingmagic said...

Lil sis...don't quit, keep on going. Things will get better.

Toes..."Either apologise or Piss off you so called excuse for a friend!"

Blei said...

I wouldn't let someone interfere with whatever you do to make yourself get up in the morning and go ahead with your day. To me, my blog is therapeutic. It allows me to take the specific issues that I wish to draw attention to, whine about , throw in someones face and do that. I don't force anyone to read it and so if you do and don;t ,like what it says you do not have to return.

It's there as a tool for people who have suffered through what I have had,or are considering taking the drastic steps I have taken and I'm glad it creates dialogs both positive and negative. And I like the feed back both positive and negative That was one of my goals, but in the end if it did not provide me with something I simply would not do it.

And it does and thats why I continue to do it. Specifically my Gastric Bypass blog.

I've had close friends, relatives ask me why I felt that I needed to call so much attention to what I used to be like, they get embarrassed , they feel like I'm putting dirt on our family. Like I'm airing laundry that doesn't need to be aired. Like I was less of a man before then I am now and why should anyone know what goes on in my head or what I think about something so private.

It's not for them and it's not for Toes. In the end you write this for you. For whatever reason your motivated to get up and write about the things that you do and since I assume your not earning a living from it then it must be because it provides you with something. A vent, therapy, some way to show yourself annomously as who you are versus who people see you as.

It would be a crime to let anyone take that away from you, this is your space and your blog and it's your life and you have every right in the world to put your guts on the table and show them to people. It takes courage. it's easy to be a coward and let stuff eat you from within,It's easy to listen to someone who says don't publish your life it takes courage to sit down and write about what life is and what it used to be but is not anymore and it pulls at your guts even more to say " I wish life would be like this...but it won't be"

And I read your posts about how you get through your life, how you manage to deal with what afflicts you and still be you and still not let it make you less female or less worthy of of love and I see what you have to deal with. And I see that you read mine through my blog roll and even though you and I have never spoken and we may never speak. I wonder how you are sometimes and go to this blog and I read your victories and cheer them and I see your defeats and I feel badly and then I see you raise up again and I'm inspired.

Now go back and read your own blog. go back and reread your life for however long you have been doing this and see how you fight to remain yourself through all this crap. And then tell me if Toes has the right to deny it to you.

My Very Best,

Emma said...

What a fantastic post Mark..x

Clairwil said...

That's awful. Cut him off and don't look back. In the meantime get yourself a 'real world' email address on hotmail or something. Only give your readers and anyone you don't mind reading your blog your current one.

spyscribbler said...

I regret coming out with my real name on my blog, I really do. If I could go back and keep the same "group" of blog-friends, I would. I really liked being able to talk about my real life in a way I can't, if I know people I know can google it. You know?

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope things start feeling better!

Slip said...

Bendy sorry you have to deal with someone who portends to be a friend then betrays you. Hang in there don't let toes have the last word. You are an inspiration to a lot of good folks!

Vi said...

I know it's horrid when someone you know reads your blog without your permission, I had the same with hunk. I managed to continue going on as usual, but I must say, sometimes I watch what I say now. It does change the way you blog a little.

I hope you decide to keep going.

JaneB said...

I lurk here, never commented before - but I'd really miss your blog if you decided to stop writing. I'm a UK citizen and I learn a lot about how 'the system' works from the sharp end from your blog, as well as enjoying your writing and your ongoing story. Hope you continue to write for you and for your audience - and that Toes realises how unreasonable he's been.

Anonymous said...

Achelois says:- Oh hun, I come here about three times a week to read, you are the only person some days that keeps me going when I think I can't go on. As a fellow EDS'er knowing that you carry on helps me to, your spirit is an inspiration. Don't let Toe make you a victim because of his own self destructive behaviour. Your friendship was a gift you gave willingly and with that gift he should have understood that it was something to be cherished. The mistakes were his, your blog is not. Please carry on if you feel able and if you go private let me know. Long time no speak, so for me to break my silence is a big deal as you know, I understand completely about lost trust and stabs in the back! Be true to yourself and understand this - you are an intelligent, articulate and beautiful human being who deserves better so much better. Onwards and upwards - one bendy day after another. Your bendy friend, Achelois. xoxox

frog ponds rock... said...

MMM I feel like cutting his farking toes off.. one by one..

This little piggy was a snot..chop!
This little piggy made me mad..chop!
this little piggy should of shut up..chop!
this little piggy should apologise..chop!

this little piggy hopped all the way home..CHOP!!!

but that's just me..

Please don't stop writing BG.. pretty pretty please..

xxx kim

Stonehead said...

Everyone else has pretty much said the things I would have said, so this is just to let you know that I, too, enjoy your blog and your honesty. And to pass on some support.

As for Toes, he's clearly a sad, lonely, bullying piece of vermin who doesn't deserve to be counted as a BG friends. I'd offer to feed him to my pigs—except he's probably make them vomit.

Look after yourself BG, and remember there are a lot of genuine people who are there for you. And a few of us cyber nutters, too!

having my cake said...

Keep doing what you do and ignore the numpty x

frog ponds rock... said...

HELLOOO BENDY... You have been sooking over there for long enough...

*hmphphhh* come on woman write something for goodness sakes..

mmm can I bag out the atrocious pommy weather???
Cricket? maybe I can chant oooh aaah Glenn McGrath.. just one more time..

warm beer? that's it... Did I mention the similarities of warm pommy beer to donkey piss???

Ok ok Ok Cause I like Bendy.. I might just whisper the name Johnny Wilkinson...

and it is only for you Bendy..

Anonymous said...


I am sorry that things are so rough for you at the moment, hope things start to feel better soon.

Please keep blogging. For purely selfish reasons, your blog is keeping me sane through all the on-going welfare reforms. I am disabled through chronic illness and you write what I am thinking and have tried the solutions I have tried with similiar results re: job brokers, schemes etc.

Take care


BenefitScroungingScum said...

That northerner: Thank you. I'm proud of you for making it outside. That must've taken a great deal of courage. Now you've done the worst bit, I'll set you another challenge soon. Look after you. x

Anon: TY

Steph: You're right, ty.

Marla: I don't say anything about people I know that I wouldn't or haven't said to their faces, it's what I say about myself that would be censored if they read.

Girl: TY. No easy answers on this subject

Cogi: Thank you. Oh, and ty some more x

Semaj: Indeed they do. I hope your blog issues will be resolved soon

TFA: Ty, good advice

Jim: I think it's great that you blog as a councillor. Perhaps if you want to vent privately you could set up a blog and just let some of us know ;)

Lou: TY, what a lovely thing to say

Faceless: That's worrying despite having nothing to hide! lol
It would be fascinating to know how many people are claiming benefits for EDS and HMS though. Not that I would encourage you to data hunt in that way ;)

Emma and big bro: TY both

Mark: I can't thank you enough for what you said. It turned out I couldn't go back and read from the beginning, something to do with not being able to cope with it all laid out like that! Now, if you knew how to make a living from this I'd be even more in your debt ;)
Keep going with yours, regardless of what people say, you have much to be proud of x

Clairwil: benefitscrounging is my blog identity and not one I use elsewhere. Problem is Toes insisted on using the computer and has no concept of privacy!

Skyscribbler: TY

Slip: ty, good advice

Vi: I know, doesn't it just!

Janeb: Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll comment again

Achelois: TY hon. I think about you often and hope you're ok. Keep in touch!x

Kim: you always make me laugh! x

Stonehead: TY. I'll always know where to come for cannibal pigs now ;)

Cake: Advice taken. As usual ;)

Anon: Hello, welcome and ty.

BG x x x