Tuesday, December 16, 2008

That bitch!

Ooo, I'm so cross. Proper, hormone fuelled, tantrum style cross. Happily I have learnt not to stamp my feet or kick things when this cross as inevitably inanimate objects defeat me. Like the Thai fighting stick I got walloped with at the weekend. Wielded by a trollied off duty copper, who, to his credit, did sober up remarkably quickly when he realised he'd smacked a 4'8 woman with a weapon. Anyway, that's not why I'm cross. It gets worse...

The puking is back, coinciding perfectly with my period and so confirming the hormone spike floppy tummy theory. Unfortunately it also coincided perfectly with a much planned visit from TLI. Our planning clearly wasn't up to standard as TLI was paged only a few hours after arriving and had to drive more hundreds of miles in the night to get to a patient I'd explained had better damn well be about to die otherwise I'd be ensuring they were. The only silver lining to this cloud I managed to find is that it meant TLI was not there the following morning to witness my vomiting half way down the stairs. Into a yoghurt pot. There is a reason sick bowls are shaped like...sick bowls and not yoghurt pots which are sadly not up to the job. I plan to send a report to James Purnell on the subject of being unfit for purpose. I don't expect him to spot the similarities. After all, yoghurt pots are vastly more evolved than he. They know what they're good for and being puked in ain't it. That is a job we should reserve for politicians. It's about time they did something worthwhile, and think of the money the NHS would save.

Anyway, the puking is not why I'm cross. Oh noes. I was initially cross when rudely awoken this morning by the sound of drilling from my neighbours. I'd been aiming to sleep through the worst bit of morning sickness** but instead found myself throwing up again. I managed to avoid the stair carpet this time..and the cat, though that was a close miss. You'd think she'd learn...

Various projectiled body fluids later I was cheered by a phone call from Roland. For a couple of seconds until I was plunged back into fury as he called to moan about his girlfriend again. She needs a name so Porn Star it is. I've seen parts of that woman's anatomy I didn't know existed on myself, but that's not anger inducing, just too much information. The saga of Porn Star has been going on for months now, and along with Roland's other friends I've moved from sympathy and support to downright brutal bluntness. I should think it's quite difficult to inspire all your boyfriend's friends to call you a selfish bitch but Porn Star achieves that with ease. Still, we all need a talent. And hers is admittedly alot better than vomiting into yoghurt pots.

Roland made me promise not to publicly humiliate Porn Star for her latest antics as that was my preferred course of action. Still, I think calling her Porn Star is more anonymity than she deserves. Porn Star has a general disregard for pretty much anything that isn't herself. I assume that is the reason she gets strings of fines for speeding, illegal parking, erratic driving type incidents. Impressive for the girlfriend of a traffic policeman. She's sunk to new lows this time though. Porn Star was given a ticket for parking in a disabled bay without having a valid blue badge. Objecting to the £60 fine Porn Star bitched and moaned until Roland gave in and wrote a letter of appeal that he claims he hoped was bad enough for the company to put straight into the 'bullshit bin' but enough to satisfy Porn Star he was 'sortin' it'***.

Now, companies who manage privately owned car parks have been held up in the media enough times for refusing to back down when they've fined genuine blue badge holders for failing to display their badge properly, so I was quite pleased to hear of this companies response to the letter. They would write off the fine, but wanted a photocopy of the blue badge Porn Star claimed belonged to the friend she was taking shopping and forgot to display to show it was a genuine mistake. Which is where I got dragged in....

Yes, Porn Star had requested Roland acquire a photocopy of a genuine blue badge. Mine. I suggested I'd be more than happy to tell Porn Star to get fucked myself if Roland did not wish to do so, and that I was disgusted that Roland himself has stooped so low. Porn Star I expect this from. Roland I expect better. Still, the man is besotted and falls for everything Porn Star says hook, line and sinker. We've all been there before, and considering any of the many, many ridiculous things I have done in my time to please some bloke I was convinced to be the source of the sun, I don't feel too inclined to kick Roland for the same thing. Well, not tooooo much anyway.

After all that the bloody hammering wasn't my neighbour at all, it was the for sale sign going up. They've not even been to measure up yet! Then, to finish my temper beautifully I dislocated my knee asking it to commit the unreasonable activity of holding me upright. I'm going back to bed!


*no dead patients
**Ah the irony of morning sickness without the pregnancy.
***I know, I know. Roland is a mug

14 comments:

Robert said...

I know the feeling about going back to bed, I had my flu injections last month due to my heart problems, then I caught the flu, winter stomach bug and then felt ill to be told your near to a heart attack, what do they expect me to do stand up and say the flu is nothing the stomach bug is nothing and me messing myself in a wheelchair is part of life.

Sometimes you wonder what planet doctors come from.

Casdok said...

So what happened with the off duty copper?

I hope Porn Star dosnt find a blue badge to copy or gets away with it.

And i hope you feel better really soon. Hugs.

Fire Byrd said...

Rant away you need to with idiots like Porn Star around, what a selfish cow.Hope she gets her come uppance real soon. Poor besoted boyfriend and what a nerve expecting you to do illegal deeds... one rule for....
x

The Morningstar said...

Watching people get ticketed for parking in disabled spaces is a favourite pastime of mine, funnily most of those caught accept it with fairly good grace, especially when they are being watched by disabled people.

Have to say that Roland deserves the disgust, as for Porn Star, she needs educating, I hope no one else lends her a badge.

Rae!xx said...

Bloody hell! Porn star sounds like K, I really hope no one gives in to her tantrums.

Hope you feel better soon babes...(((hugs)))

Katrin said...

Oh goodness. I'd be going back to bed as well after all of that! Hope you're feeling better soon.

Veronica said...

Porn Star can obviously do things with her mouth that men can only dream of. Probably why Roland is besotted...

And yogurt pots are definitely no good. Ice cream containers are marginally better but still not fantastic. Someone has stolen all my buckets though, so ice cream containers it is. (although lately a lot of mine it probably real morning sickness again).

Trixie said...

Jaysus!!! I can't believe Roland even THOUGHT you, of all people, would want to lie about that. Won't be long before he loses all his friends if he keeps this up. He needs to grow a back bone!

Mysterious G said...

that's disgusting! Bad driving and self importance are bad enough, but then thinking she is better than everyone and essentially deserves to park where ever she likes!!!!

Don't do it, if people keep bending to her self inflated idiotic ways she will never learn. IMHO she should loose her license, and have a big fat fine.

hope you feel better soon. On the vomit receptacle front, from my own experience an upturned child's toilet step stool works really well. Broad and flat so quite stable allowing one to rest their head on the side of it and dribble fluids and incomprehensible regrets for drinking so much...

steph said...

Bendy

Apologies for lack of contact - I'm otherwise occupied (at the nursing home) as my Mum is fading fast.

Just a quickie to send love and hugs and hope you're feeling better soon.

Loved the pic btw. What I'd give for those curls!

having my cake said...

Hope the morning sickness turns out to be the bug that's been doing the rounds and that your week improves x

Unixman said...

Take the photocopy but write "stolen" in security ink accross it ... Then drop an anonymous email to the parking company that they look at it under UV light .....

frogpondsrock said...

Gah!!! he is pussy whipped that's for sure.. the cheeky bitch..
By the time you read this you should be feeling better or at least I hope you are xxxx and I do like Unixman's suggestion..

cheers kim xxx

Ron Knee said...

I hope you didn't give in and let them use yer blue badge. This is a subject which makes my head explode, the number of times I have had to park miles away from where I needed to be because some lazy fecker thought it would be easier to use a space reserved for those who realy need it, because they are basically lazy, thoughtless twats.

I did, on one occasion park across the rear of one such thoughtless git. She later somehow found me in the shop I was in and asked me to move my car. I told her I would do so when I had finished doing what I had come in to do.

I won't go into what she said next but suffice to say that one may think twice in the future about taking up a disabled bay.