Friday, March 05, 2010

The first cut is the deepest

It was last year when it happened. I think so anyway. Could've been this year, Oxycontin withdrawal being great for rubbing away the already blurred edges of my short term memory. Thankfully my long term memory should kick in in six months or so and clarify the matter. Prior to that it'd probably be helpful if I remembered what I'm talking about long enough to tell you.



...oh yeah. I remember now. The first cut is the deepest. Supposedly. It's not though, not really. The first cut might be the hurtiest, but not the deepest. Some wounds just never really heal, helped to stay painful by further cuts along the way.

My deepest cut is undoubtedly the long term effects of spending most of my life disbelieved. I have an honesty fetish. Gets me into trouble more often than not but it's the only way I found of dealing with the disbelief. Tell the truth about e v e r y t h i n g. Always. That way it's impossible to be the liar you're accused of being. Even if the truth wasn't the most appropriate thing to say at the time.

I've been better about this lately. Good friends in my life who find the idea of disbelieving me baffling. Or so I thought.

Ben wanted to talk to me earlier this week. We talk alot so nothing unusual in that. Except he wanted to tell me how disappointed he was in me. For the something that happened somewhere in the lost Oxycontin blur. When he was telling me I was so befuddled I couldn't work out what he was actually talking about. So, I apologised for having hurt his feelings a couple of time, made a vague comment about him not really recognising how difficult things are for me most of the time, to which he agreed, and left it at that.

It was only later when I remembered that I was hurt. Really, really wounded kind of hurt. Then angry. Initially not so much, now pretty damn pissed off actually.

See, Ben was upset because he believed I'd let him down, thought I just couldn't be arsed to do the favour he was asking. He can't see why it was such a big deal, after all, all he asked me to do was look up a phone number on the computer.

'It's something so small' he said. 'And you couldn't be arsed'

Which is why I'm so hurt. And so angry. Ben is a good friend, the kind of friend who's been there for me many times. The kind of friend who really would have every right to be pissed off with me if I really couldn't be arsed to do something he asked.

Except of course it wasn't that I couldn't be arsed. It was that I couldn't at all. The hurt and anger come from someone so close to me making the assumption that I couldn't be bothered not that I couldn't.

I did tell Ben that at the time he called. I was in bed. The computer switched off and in another room. I literally couldn't get out of bed I was so overwhelmed by pain and exhaustion. My body was set to reboot and just like windows until it was done installing updates it wasn't going to do anything else.

I remember now telling him a couple of times in that blurry conversation that 'I couldn't'. I remember how much he pushed me, how he said 'it was a nothing', that 'it would only take a moment' I remember being a bit cross with him for his insistence, but not having the energy or will to explain further.

Somehow in Ben's mind that all became 'you couldn't be arsed'. And that hurts. It opens up that original wound of disbelief all over again. A scab at which no-one has picked in quite some time. Niggled by someone who I expect to know better. Someone who's own wound needs stitching. But to sew that shut I have to cut deeper into my own.


LceeL said...

Well, here's hoping Ben reads this - perhaps then he will understand and trust will be restored. Sometimes the slightest bit of miscommunication leads to the biggest blowups. And that's all this was, in the beginning. A small miscommunication.

Lankylonglegs said...

Oh dear, it is so easy for a small thing to suddenly become a mammoth thing simply because of misunderstandings.
Maybe you could ring Ben and try to explain what went wrong (or better yet, get him to read this blog) so that you can patch things up with him an to enable him to realise that you were not ignoring him, more so that you simply forgot.
If this guy knows you as well as you say, then I presume he is familiar with the whole EDS/pain/painkillers situation, and if this is the case then he should also be aware that at times you (we) will forget stuff and also that there are many times when pain becomes so bad that everything and everyone else is just blocked out by your brain.
Hopefully he will see that his is all just a simple misunderstanding and then you can both patch things up again.
Have to be honest myself here though...why on earth did you HAVE to find that number for him? Is he incapable of doing that for himself and if so why cause all this hassle? Perhaps if this is the case he has more on his mind than he's letting on, if so the silly arse should tell you so.
(feel free to delete/remove that last part if it offends, this is not my intention)
Either way, do hope you get it sorted out soon *hugs*

DeeDee Ramona said...

Um, he sounds like a prize prick to me. If my husband asks me to do something, and I reply that I am too tired or exhausted to get up and do it, he doesn't push it or accuse me of not caring.

Prior to meeting him, I dated a stream of assholes who thought relationships were a one-way thing - my job was to care for and do things for them, and that was it.

I find strange that he was so insistent about something so small - almost as if he wanted to make you do something you weren't able to or that would cause you pain to prove that you cared enough. And of course, when you couldn't be made to do it, he was no longer interested. The fact that he broke up with you over something so small would bear it out that he was looking to deliberately cause you pain in order to boost his ego.

Crime prevention specialists call this sort of thing an "interview" - they are seeing if you can be pushed.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dicks like this who are attracted to people they see as vulnerable so they can play their little controlling games with them.

Or maybe I am over-analysing and he was just an oblivious tosser. Whatever.

Fire Byrd said...

Communication misunderstanding is the bane of the world. Crossed wires,assumptions, own self doubt,perceptions they all go in the mix.
I guess that you can't sort out Ben's wounds other than telling him straight how it is for you when you have the energy and not before.
And he will have to cope with your truth or not as that is his choice.

Veronica said...

See, you say can't and he assumes won't. Nathan gets like that sometimes and I've got to remind him that can't means can't. Also probably why I'm constantly running on borrowed spoons.


Chronically Claire said...

I have been in that situation myself, I hope you can both work it out, speak about spoons & what it REALLY means for you and for him. x

Mr. Nighttime said...

Unfortunately I have found myself in this situation as well, especially during the time that I was sick prior to my transplant. My liver disease used to give me what was essentially a "brain fog" at times, as well as causing extreme fatigue. It would get so bad at times that I simply didn't have the strength to lift my head off of the pillow, or whatever I happened to be lying on at the time.

Unfortunately, there were certain friends (and even some family members) who simply didn't, and perhaps couldn't understand all of this. It took a great deal of explanation to make them realize that I was NOT being lazy, or just "overtired," but that I was sick.

bendy rebel said...

Reminds me of my ex boyfriend trying to make me feel guilty for not being able to do things. He was well out of order and I hope you'll be able to sit down with him and tell him (or email him if it'll be easier) that when you say you can't do something you really do mean it and him thinking you just can'd be arsed is very hurtful. Then if he ever does it again get rid of him! You don't need people like that in your life, you deserve better