Step 2: Become a large, powerful and wealthy multi national corporation engaged to carry out government contracts. Warning note to any sick and disabled people on benefits considering this as a viable route into work; you will need a bike, ability to ride said bike and a magical, contract creating, money shedding tree. Rumours of similar duck house providing, moat cleaning and grocery shopping trees abound, but sadly the equipment, social care and benefits fairy has proved too elusive to pin down at point of writing without fear of libelling said fairy.
Step 3: Do not concern yourself with the trivial details contained in any of the actual contracts the government agreed with you. There is no need to answer phones on time, organise appointments or comply with accessibility legislation. Never forget such rules don't apply to you. To be fair...they don't apply to the people who make them either so you're only following their sterling example.
Step 4: Be sure to tend your magical, contract creating money tree with great care. Treat your staff and 'customers' with equal disdain. Rely on media hysteria to ensure staff and customers never compare notes about their treatment. Ensure the removal of any potential awkward public questions by making sure the questioner ends up in a position of power and forgets their former role as champion of the
Step 5: Create magical, contract creating money tree arboretum as solution to that disturbing scent of human suffering which occasionally penetrates past the moat and duck house.
Step 6: Act rapidly and decisively to negate any criticism from customers or staff. Enage expensive lawyers to protect your continued right to enjoy and protect the reputation of said magical, contract creating money tree arboretum. Breathe deep sigh of relief as you are reassured by staff's continued disdain for customers drawing attention away from arboretum.
Step 7: Remind staff of the threat their social media use poses to arboretum. Offer up a potential holiday in said arboretum to ensure compliance.
Step 8: Negate customer criticism of arboretum by hitting them over the head with spare magical, contract creating money trees. Enjoy satisfying splatter noise as trees impact and decide to extend 'splatting' policy to all customers whether critical or not.
Step 9: Threaten anyone supporting or allowing customers to speak with splatting policy.
Step 10: Pat self and lawyers on the back
Step 11: Become aware of irritating whimpers arising from beneath successful splats.
Step 12: Become aware of rational voices alerting you to irritating whimpers. Suffer the deep psychological trauma this poses to continued enjoyment of arboretum.
Step 13: Forget to check content of any alleged whimpers. That first one was definitely absolutely bullying so decide the rest will definitely absolutely be bullying tactics too.
Step 14: Insist irritating whimpers are just that. Whimpers. After all, only whimpers would ever choose to become customers of AMF and whimper opinion widely considered invalid. Decide to ignore futher.
Step 15: Rational voices invade the peace of arboretum. These voices are a bit too loud actually, not usually classed as whimpers and not similar enough to a character from Sesame Street to be bought off as successfully as previous rational voice rebutting policy.
Step 16: Whimper and wail. "It's not fair". After all, it seems to have worked for the whimpers out there and the lawyers are too busy enjoying arboretum access to come up with anything better.
Step 17: Locate lawyer sulking just outside arboretum and promote them to chief executive officer of splatting.
Step 18: Attempt to remove backbone from lawyer and divert permanently to whimper class as punishment for temerity in suggesting some whimpers might be valid and therefore not defamatory.
Step 19: Concede grudgingly now spineless lawyer might have had a point actually. Reassure self by relegation of newly disabled lawyer to whimper classes. No-one listens to them anyway.
Step 20: Whine about relentless bullying from whimperers and continue to insist their whimpers are not legally valid opinions.
Step 20: Decide it's probably time to check content of whimpers. Especially those pesky, particularly vulnerable ones.
Step 21: Realise pesky, particularly vulnerable whimperers might have been telling the truth all along.
Step 22: Pee pants a teensy bit. Whimperer, schmimperer's totally irrelevant but idea of life outside arboretum not quite so conducive to continence.
Step 23: Engage lawyers able to tell the difference between Streisand and the Streisand effect.
Step 24: Scream at and permanently remove arboretum access from whichever department insisted whimper content checking was an unneccessary act.
Step 25: Wonder if possible to employ those particularly vulnerable annoyingly rational whimperers to replace previous allegedly qualified legal advisors.
*Points but no prizes to anyone who knows why AMF and can say so in the comments thread without libelling anyone. As it's my blog and me who'll get sued I decide what constitutes libel!