Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fear

Somewhere always in the back of my mind there is a nagging sense of underlying fear. From what I know this sense of fear is common to all those genuinely claiming state benefits. Today is not a particularly bad day, but not a particularly good day either, but for some reason the nagging sense of fear is stronger than usual.

My shoulder, taped into place by Princess Fairy Toes has remained in place overnight, but grumbles ominously whenever I try to move my arm, and already the tape is falling off. Really it should be held in place in a sling for a week, allowing whatever is grinding within the joint to heal, but that for me currently is an impossibility. Since the fuckwit social worker decided there was clearly no need for me to receive any support my body is crumbling under the strain. To wear a sling would throw my body further off balance, making anything and everything I do even more dangerous.

Earlier in the week I ordered a grocery delivery so I would only have to shop for a few basic, and light essentials over the next 10 days or so. Typically with such orders a few items were missing, not in stock, for most people I assume a minor irritation, but for someone in my position currently a major nightmare. The items missing were all wheat free bread products, and I am about to completely run out. This means I have no choice but to make the 10 minute drive to the nearest supermarket that produces this range and hope they have some in stock. I am afraid. I am afraid that my body is simply not going to manage the amount of effort required to wash, wash hair, dress, make breakfast, eat, drive, get from car to supermarket, find required food items, push the trolley, stand in the queue, pay, get back to the car, drive back home, get the shopping out of the car, it and myself into the house, and all without redislocating my left shoulder, let alone any of my other joints, like my knees or hips. I am afraid the supermarket will as is common not have any of the products in stock and I will have to order them and then return, something that has proved impossible to do by phone in the past.

I am afraid that this is August, and winter is yet to come.

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