Friday, January 18, 2008

By Popular Request

We’ve both had meltdown moments about this. First me, then him, now he’s gone again I think I’m due another. It’s so much, so soon, an overloading of the senses, creating an almighty confusion in two people each just about able to admit they are notoriously bad at relationships. But still want it. Oh how I want it.

So I insist to him, he must be married, making it all up even. It can’t all be true. He can’t be true. What I don’t say but mean is that I am so afraid this could be it, he could important enough for me to turn my life upside down that for now I will look for any reason to pretend to myself he isn’t.

He is there, a moment, memory, pleasure, unexpected amongst the mundane rituals of my daily life. Doing laundry, amongst my socks, so small and brightly coloured I stumble over large stray black strangers. Boxer shorts hang proud a stark white alongside my dental floss thongs. His shirt worn by me, stirs memories and releases faint traces of his scent from its resting place as I open and close the bathroom door.

He has left his mark both here and upon me.

9 comments:

steph said...

BG - you got it BAD! ;-)

Sometimes things happen in life that seem almost too good to be true. It's almost like you're dreaming. But life's not perfect so my advice to you would be to enjoy the good bits and otherwise GO WITH THE FLOW!

Que sera, sera.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Is this the captain? You need to tell us more you tease!

Auntie Jane said...

Oh... I am so glad I am not going through the delemars you are faced with now. However, when I was 30, I was... 'Do I go with the flow? Or will I get hurt... again'?

Anyway... I think there is always that special person out there that is the right person. I found Dearly Beloved in the most unexpected place (I was in my 30s). He wasn't my type at all! Wouldn't have given him a second look! But we became friends... which led to my second marriage. I have never been happier!

Thanks for dropping by my space... I am going for a 3rd quote. Thanks for the advice.

You take care now... Auntie Jane

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Steph: I know I have! Just thinking about him puts that big daft grin on my face. He seems to be the same, and yes, I am enjoying it thank you :) x

Vi: That's your lot for now!

Auntie Jane: Hello and thanks for your comment. Yes, I'm very much discovering how bad my commitment phobia has become, but this one is special enough to grab with both hands and not let go, the rest will look after itself! Good luck with the quote, BG x

frog ponds rock... said...

Oh Bendy I feel for you... can you talk to him.. I mean really talk????

well if you can... Then it is time to stop dithering woman!!!! and grab this yummy captain with both hands and not let go!!!!

cheers Kim xxx

Pixie said...

DON'T, just don't do the whole self destruct thing....
Just accept what you have today and enjoy, if it's for real then take it with both hands and let it grow.
If it's not then enjoy the moment for what it's giving you.
I'll resist giving you the whole lecture here!!
But really hoping it's the first!
hugs
pxx

Emma said...

Enjoy it Bendy you deserve it, what a happy little blog world we all seem to be in at the moment...it's great to be part of it..xx

cogidubnus said...

I only found your site last night and (sad bugger that I am) have spent part of today reading your posts from the beginning...

I don't want to sound either grovelling or patronising, but my initial reaction is that you're truly inspirational...your writing's not too abysmal either!

Some postings (eg the one about the dildo) had me in stitches, and I'm quite sure my daughter and the missus couldn't understand my laughter...but some of the rest has had me nearly in tears, and some so angry I could spit...

I'm so glad you seem to have found some happiness BG - but please please don't let it stop you posting...

Way to go (as I believe our left-pond friends say) !

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Kim: Good advice ty. Yes, I can talk to him, & really all this panic is because I know he's so special. He's away working atm (which he does alot) but he knows I don't plan on letting him go ;) x x

Pixie: TY, wise words from a wise woman. Hugs BG x

Emma: TY, I know, isn't it lovely! x x

Cogidubnus: Thank you for saying such wonderful things about me, and my writing! I don't see myself or my life as being particularly different from anyone else's and certainly wouldn't think of myself as anything inspirational..but then you know that now you've read the blog! I do write about the thoughts and feelings here that I don't really talk about in RL though. I'm very glad you've enjoyed it and I hope you'll stick around. BG x x