Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Boxes that go bleep in the night

Last week, finally, and much to my relief the stupid bleeping box that I hate wonderful community alarm was moved from my bedroom to the living room.

After my embarrassment when the woman fitting the alarm found both a bong and bag of slutty underwear in my wardrobe I was taking no chances and so had already unplugged the alarm system before she arrived. Unstable joints be damned, no stranger was going rummaging round in my bedroom again.

I've never been happy about having
the alarm box in my bedroom, and did say so when it was first fitted but as the phone line enters the house there they insisted. I can be a force to be reckoned with, but even I lost against two firemen and a woman from er, the alarm fitting place. Funnily enough the firemen knew exactly why I didn't want the box in my bedroom without my having to explain, whereas the lady from the alarm company needed more hints. I must have been having some sort of psychic experience as in the first weeks after its fitting, the alarm went off, literally only minutes after The Sexy Irishman left. Cue one disembodied voice shouting out "Ms Bendy Girl, Ms Bendy Girl, are you there, are you ok?" whilst I attempted to get up the stairs without dislocating anything major in enough time to prevent a call to a keyholder, or worse the paramedics. Thus cementing my paranoia that the cat would set the stupid thing off just to spite me for ignoring it mid shag and not only would I have to deal with the mortification of the disembodied voice, but that they might listen in first. Ugh.

That was of course some time ago, but the alarm people seem to have a very strange way of doing things, and so only managed to come out to move the box last week. They phoned a few times to try and arrange a time for someone to come out and move the damn box, after issuing dire warnings that I was not to attempt it myself, however this is the public sector, and intended for more vulnerable members of society so whenever they phoned it would be to tell me that someone was in the area and could they come round in 10 minutes. The suggestion that they might book a time in advance and so avoid the problem of my saying no every time, usually because I was still in my pj's, seemed to be quite alien to them.

Last week a time was agreed upon and the same lady appeared. Whilst kitty #2 whored herself all over the poor woman as she likes to do with anyone who enters the house, but especially those clutching official paperwork, alarm lady found the box I'd helpfully left on the table, asked where the socket was, and plugged it in. Of course just like that. In the way I was absolutely.totally.not.to.do.myself. Pressed the button to check it worked and asked me where my pendant was. I didn't like to tell her that I thought it might've fallen under the bed after I'd knocked it on the floor and kitty #2 had a mad pendant attacking frenzy with it. I've not seen it since certainly. So I smiled and said I was keeping it by my bed. Which of course I was until I dropped it.

7 comments:

Emma said...

I know I aren't really supposed to laugh but you always suceed in making me all the same....brilliant writing..xx

Casdok said...

So glad you got it sorted - but what you had to go through to get a simple thing done.

frog ponds rock... said...

Oh god! beaurocracy... You make me giggle..what a dilemma! If it went off mid shag hehehe stop and fix the bloody thing or ignore it and hope you dont get busted..

excellent
cheers kim ..

xxx

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

So what happens if you are shagging in the lounge room?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Emma: Thank you. But really, you are supposed to laugh y'know. Well, that or cry ;)! x

Casdok: I'm sure you must go through similar all the time!

Kim: Trust me, if it went off mid shag you'd have no choice but to stop. The damn thing bleeps like mad, then they shout until either they get an answer from you or not in which case they'll send someone round. I may be a lil bit kinky, but not enough to want my front door broken down. Especially mid shag. lol BG x

Vi: It's on a shelf in the living room the cat can't possibly get to and set off accidentally. In my bedroom the only place it could go was on the window sill...which of course the cat thinks belongs to her! This way it should only go off if I activate it or if there turns out to be some sort of issue with the box. No kitty SOS calls! x

spleenal said...

"where do you want this alarm then luv? between the hash plant and the inflatable man?"

"er no, put it just there, over the box marked dildos and porn."

"is it okay if i move all this cocaine? i can't get to it otherwise"

"yeah just put it next to the body bouncer"

"what does that do?"

www.bodybouncer.com

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Spleenal: Dammit, have you been in my house again?! Actually you'd have to go elsewhere to find the white stuff, my house being free of Class A's unless prescribed by a doctor, but the rest is disturbingly accurate!
I'm liking the body bouncer..though, there is a reason I go for taller, stronger male specimens don'tcha know;) Looks like it could be a whole lotta fun. Bit on the pricey side though Anyone got one? BG x