Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Call Me Cruella

It always seems like such a good idea at the time. The merest hint of a good day and I go into 'take up your mat and walk' mode and decide, for the umpteenth time that I'm cured and should run a marathon. In half an hour, back to front and walking on my hands. Ah self delusion. It's a wonderful thing. More powerful even than chocolate.

Suitably deluded, stoned medicated, braced and with a requisite minimum of three trips to the loo before leaving the house I plugged in my headphones and stumbled off. It was like crip city out there. Perhaps we all emerge on a Wednesday afternoon responding to some hidden signal like er, the adipose or pajama clad chavs foraging for breakfast at closing time in corner shops. People with crutches and sticks were in abundant supply, the odd mark of privilege mobility scooter whizzed past and an attractive young woman deep in conversation with her boyfriend pushed herself along in what could only be an NHS provided wheelchair as it was far too heavy for her to manoeuvre. After wobbling at the side of the road whilst I waited for a gap in the traffic sufficient to allow me to stagger across I was grateful for the woman sat in her car waiting patiently whilst first the young girl pushed herself across then I took twice that time to weave and wobble across her drive.

My bright idea? After forgetting my pin number last week, the week beforeI forget when, causing the bank to lock my card, and yes, of course. I forgot that too. Anyway after lots of forgetfulness and no little embarrassment I needed to unlock my pin number at a cash point. As my patented theory of calories not counting if you can't remember consuming them could do with some work I figured the walk would mean I could comfortably forget tonight's chocolate as well as last night's.

I was right. It hurt. Whilst I'm on the subject I'd like to ask my elbow why it thought dislocating was an appropriate response to it's neighbour, my wrist dislocating? Inside it's specially constructed for me standard issue so it doesn't fit NHS wrist brace.

When I got to the cash point I was, to be blunt, fucked. Karmic revenge for the injuries I recently inflicted on the captain I suspect. The plan had been to sit down with a coffee/chocolate concoction and rest up with a broadsheet for a while in the cafe over the road from the cash point. Which was foiled by the cafe being closed. Apparently they'd been so busy they didn't have any clean dishes left!

As I'm getting really good acquainted with the concept of 'asking for help' I asked the cafe owner if they would mind if I just sat down at one of the outside tables for a few moments. I probably looked as I was feeling for within a minute a mug of tea was brought out to me. Though it offends me to be so cliched these sorts of everyday acts of kindness never fail to remind me how nice most people are when given the chance to be.

Later, I came home...and dropped my neighbour's 10 week old puppy. On it's head. Onto concrete. I suspect that kitty #2 vomiting all over the floor was her way of expressing disapproval. The puppy was too traumatised to think of that...or maybe it was just p'd off it had been dropped on it's head instead of the milk it had expected to receive by chewing on my breast.

So now...not only am I a penis breaker, I'm a dog crippler too.


Ms Ordinarée said...

The things we do for chocolate! ( 0r to forget it happened!)
I wish I could have been there, I would have been no help, but perhaps I would have made the full "Crip" set!?!!

Sorry didn't get time to ring you, wee one only settled at half 11...the fecking dr mentioned surgery thinking that she wouldn't understand,,,,,,

Ms O

LceeL said...

You DO know, of course, that having broken his penis, you are obligated to kiss it and make it better. So to speak. Or not.

having my cake said...

Come on, every day is an adventure! You'd just get bored otherwise x

Fire Byrd said...

The lure of the elusive god chocolate.... very powerful stuff.

Hope all broken bits of captain and the puppy are back in working order asap!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

MsO: No worries chick, just hope littl'un is feeling better by now. I don't envy you your day out in this weather! Call you tonight if you're up to it. Hugs x

Lou: Bwahahahah!

Cake: Too right it is-I don't know how 'normals' cope with the sameness of their lives! ;)

FB: You know I'll do anything for chocolate

Oona =^..^= said...

Hope the animals and you are okay.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oona: Hello and welcome. The animals are all fine thank you-they heal more quickly than us humans!