"We hope it's chips, it's chips"

3/16/2009 06:10:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 8 Comments

Inside my head I'm not disabled. Not even a bit of a spaz. No way, no how. My body is determined to ignore my brain in every possible way. Fortunately my brains idea that cartwheeling along the beach is a perfectly reasonable thing to do is vetoed by my body being too busy working on keeping me upright and moving in a forward(ish) motion.

In addition to my brain telling me I'm not disabled it also likes to tell me I've recovered so much I don't need to be lazing around on benefits. Given enough time anything becomes normal and I've forgotten what 'normal' people do with their time. I'm convinced there must be lots of time when your day is not filled with dropping things, dislocating, trying to pick them up and dislocating some more. Or spending two days cleaning your oven (really, really don't ask!)

So, as we all know by now I do stupid things. Frequently. Today's major stupid thing was trying to make myself a bacon butty. It was all going so well....I didn't cut myself sawing a gluten free muffin in half, nor did I end up with 7 halves. I only popped a finger out when I pushed the toaster down. Dislocations caused by standing, moving or such luxuries as breathing do not count in this story and if we all try to ignore them as much as I do they might even go away. Ssshhh, no shattering my illusions!

Ah yes, the bacon butty. I'll be honest, I did wonder if it was a good idea when I started...but only because the bacon was luminous green in parts. It was the last rasher though and I figured anything really nasty would be heated to niceness. Again, no shattering my illusions!

I checked on the bacon a couple of times whilst it was under the grill, but it looked quite anaemic so I decided it needed a few more minutes and wandered off into the lounge.

A moment or so later I thought I could hear a funny sort of sound. Sort of like a fizzing mixed with a cat howling. The cat was lying on the bed in a patch of sunlight looking like she'd got her cream. Except she was yowling. Probably objected to the smell, which was of burning fat and smouldering plastic.

There were flames shooting out of the grill when I got there. I wasn't thinking things through too well so pulled the grill halfway out while I tried to find something to throw on it, only to turn back around from the sink and see I'd carefully placed the flames just beneath the rubber oven seal which was giving off large amounts of black smoke and stinking. At which point the smoke alarm started blaring.

I managed to remember to soak a cloth in water, wring it out and throw it over the hot fat..only I didn't wring it out properly and nor was my aim up to much. Still, I did get the wet cloth on the burning bacon and only thought I'd have to end up calling the firemen out for a brief moment.

Then the doorbell went. I answered it to find a woman stood there with an envelope in her hand. The smoke alarm was still screaming and I had no confidence I'd put the fire out properly so I was perhaps a bit abrupt with her. She was from the council though so didn't care about niceties like my repeatedly telling her I had to go because the kitchen was on fire. Nor did she seem remotely bothered about the smoke alarm or screaming cat. No, she wanted my upstairs neighbour. Well, she was from the council.

I took the envelope from her, told her I'd put it through the door and said I really had to go. When I got back into the kitchen it was stinking and still smouldering. Being a sensible sort I rang Roland up, policemen, firemen s'all the same. Roland thought it was quite funny really...but did make sure I wasn't being barbequed before he laughed.

It was only once the fire was out and I realised the flaw in my plan was not having called the fire brigade out...I wasn't planning to have any more fires but I've left some chips in the oven now and it really does smell a bit......

Two days spent cleaning the oven while dislocating every joint in your body-insane/impressive....Setting your oven on fire and coating it with soot a week later- priceless!


alhi said...

Oh my God. Have you ever thought of writing comedy? Honestly, you've just made me laugh out loud and that's no mean feat right now.
Your story of cleaning the oven reminds me of when I cleaned my oven: only one afternoon in comparison to your two days, but suffice to say I was lying flat out on the floor with an eye make up brush fishing out black gunk at one stage. Since then I've used the gammy hip and someone else has been drafted in to do it! Admittedly it's never got as bad again

Dark Side said...

Bendy I really shouldn't laugh but its the way you write things....lol....I really do wish you would take care though......said in as unpatronising tone as possible, its just because I care...xx

Fire Byrd said...

What I love about you bendy is your sense of humour. That you can take the piss out of yourself in such adversity as a kitchen fire is brill. And it was very funny.
Really enjoyed the women wanting the letter sorting as your flat potentially burnt down.... priceless

cogidubnus said...

Sorry love but I've almost fallen from my chair at nearly three in the morning...fist stuffed in mouth to hush hysterical laughter which might wake the house...

Bless you...

Bendy, there are easier ways to learn how to cook New Orleans style, and you don't have to take "blackened" quite to heart. ;-)

What was the cost of all this" Well, let's see:

Rahser of bacon - $6
Replace burnt toaster - $30
Cat tranquilizers - $10 co-pay
Expression on face of woman from the council - Priceless!

Glad you're okay though, really.

Anonymous said...

Don't want to shatter your illusions or anything but I think that rasher was trying to tell you something!

You can't beat egg and chips!

Good to hear you're in a ground floor flat. Makes the move all the more worthwhile!

Katrin said...

Ok sorry but I was laughing out loud, you have a great way of telling the things that happen to you! :-)

Carnalis said...

life is too short to spend the weekend cleaning an oven (my excuse for sloth) .. do be careful, but it makes a great story :)

ps, am enjoying your seasidy tweets.