Thursday, December 06, 2007

The Great Pretender


I made it to the Post Office without incident yesterday (a minor miracle in itself) and collected the parcel containing the rabbits Zelda and I had ordered from Lovehoney at the weekend. I was amused by the constant stream of women going in to collect parcels the posties had failed to deliver for one reason or another, the thought of all these bored housewives going to collect their sex toys kept making me giggle.

I stopped giggling when I got home and managed to get the parcel open. I'd chosen the Platinum Rabbit purely because it was the only one I could see clearly marked as not containing latex (I'm too sensitive to latex to use latex gloves or condoms). This thing is huge. Significantly bigger in girth and longer than the Jessica Rabbit that Zelda had ordered. I left it stood on the table all afternoon, mocking my fear of it's size while the smaller rabbit that of course I couldn't use taunted me from it's box. Every so often I eyed it up, just to see if it was still as worryingly big as I thought it was. It was.

Zelda came round in the evening to collect her Jessica Rabbit and to watch the series finale of Heroes (was it just me, or was the ending a bit of a let down?) As soon as she arrived she tore into her rabbit, at which point the laughing started. It has a face on it. Whilst mine looked all vaguely futuristic and cool in its disturbingly large way...the Jessica was just hilarious. Party pink, stinking to high heaven of medicinal type latex, and to cap it all off, someone saw fit to try and hide the fact it's shaped like a cock, by, horror of horrors, putting a little face on it, and trying to turn the glans into hair.

Heroes over, and Zelda gone home, I decided to give 'Freddy' a go. The lounge was warm and dimly lit by fire and candlelight, so with some music and reading matter to entertain I was all set to conquer my fear of the size of this thing. Half a tube of KY later it had eaten my orgasm and left me with several tears and internal bruising and Freddy was named. Not quiet the wildly multi orgasmic screaming success I'd imagined.

The only easy bit to use on Freddy was the buttons to control the vibrations, and even then once covered in copious amounts of lube they became a bit tricky to negotiate. I do realise that I'm petite enough to make Kylie look like a strapping lass, but I can in some senses compensate for that by the sheer good fortunate (oh the irony!) of having a genetic disorder that turns me into Elasto girl. If a bit broken. Stretchy I do well. Stretch enough for Freddy. Not happening. The vibrations were so intense even on the lowest settings that it was just uncomfortable, and eventually I worked out that the shaft needed to be, shall we say less constrained to do it's rotating thing.

This morning both my hips were out, one shoulder dislocated so badly and so loudly as to startle neighbour out of the chair she was sitting in, I found tears internally as well as externally and I feel as though I've been kicked in the kidney area. Back to the drawing board. Or right now, Nabootique.

18 comments:

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

oh sweetie, what a shame!!!!

Are you allowed to return it used?lol

that northerner said...

I think you should swap it for the "kinky bendable" - surely made for you?!
Do you have similar size/tearing/bruising problems with the real thing?Enough to terminate relationships?Just curious-not boasting!!

I dont watch a huge amount of telly,but I do like heroes.Although,I always feel I've missed some plot details,despite watching both repeats.Maybe its cos I'm blonde.I just hope it doesn't lose the plot totally,like Lost.
I dont understand why the cheerleader didnt simply shoot peter petrelli,or why he couldn't emit an emp signal instead of exploding - like noah bennet told ted when they were held in the cells along with the cop.

frog ponds rock... said...

Damn freddy!!!! can you give it a wash and send it back to elm street?

My daughter is allergic to latex as well *sigh* poor darlings..

cheers kim.. xox

Casdok said...

Hope your ok now.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hi bg, If I dont get a chance to visit you again before I leave to Oz, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas! Hope you have a good one!.

Mary said...

Ah, I can answer the little face puzzle... in some places in the world, it's extremely badness to the point of illegality to have or sell anything involving an erect penis. So they put the little face on and make the glans look a bit like a hat or hair or whatever, so that they can say to the authorities "nonono, it is not an erect penis, look, here is its smiling face, here is its hat, you're just looking at it wrong, you must have sex on the brain."

Go into an Ann Summers shop and have a look at the items 'actual size'. Seriously. In my experience they are *surprisingly* good for accessibility and the staff don't bat an eyelid, they just answer questions and help you shop.

Angela said...

Whats so funny about bored housewives and sex toys?

Well i am bored.

Pixie said...

so much for endless fun and pleasure then. Sounds more like torture and pain.... not quite what you had in mind!

Hope the battered bits feel better soon hon.
pxx

Maddy said...

Eek! [got you on the google reader now!]
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

frog ponds rock... said...

hiya again BG.. I have some bloggy bling for you

cheers kim

ps. I hope your bits are feeling better..

Clairwil said...

Get a bullet or one of the wand shaped ones. Not a lot of use internally but very good for clitoral stimulation and very easy to control.
A light touch on a low setting! Better still they're usually plastic or surgical steel so no latex to worry about.

spleenal said...

it reminds me of this guy

http://www.googoobutt.com/greasytaint/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/forbidden-planet-robby.jpg

The little plastic bastard sounds like a bit of a bully.

Sounds a bit obvious but do you need some thing that goes in? much as i like the idea of girls stuffing vibrators and dildos in themselves it's not actually required is it?
you could get a little buzzy thing for the "love button" and if you are sensitive you can keep your knickers on.
if you're really sensitive you could keep your jeans on!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Vi, heehee, I don't think they'll take it back used! Maybe the recycle scheme where you get money off?! Thanks for the Xmas wishes honey! X

That Northerner, I've not heard of the kinky bendable...but you're quite right, it's obviously made for me! I can have similar problems with the real thing, but it's different, and easier to control. No, it's never destroyed a relationship, tbh I've never had a boyfriend complain...worry about hurting me yes, but complain, no!
I know what you mean about feeling as though you've missed plot details in Heroes, maybe that's the intention? I so understand why the cheerleader didn't shoot Peter Petrelli, how could you shoot a man who looked like that?! I dunno though, wasn't it all supposed to be about his inability to control his powers and his brother finally self sacrificing? Gah, we'll find out in series 2 I guess.

Kim, it seems like latex is a really common allergy these days now there's so much of it about. BTW, with your daughter having had unidentified health issues, has she checked out the diagnostic criteria at www.hypermobility.org ?
Thank you so much for the bloggy bling, wow I have so much to do! Hugs x

Casdok, yes, I'm much better thank you

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Mary, wow, that's fascinating thank you! Thanks for the tip about Ann Summers too, I'm a bit out in the sticks here so I'll have to find out where the nearest one is and if I can access the town/city it's in. Roll on getting my wheelchair! Hope you're feeling ok x

Angela, nothing is especially funny about bored housewives and sextoys... more the failings of Royal Mail meaning there was a stream of women going in to collect parcels, and the thought they might all be sex toys amused me. Welcome btw :)

Pix, no, not exactly what I'd hoped for! Recovering now thanks hon x

Maddy, I've managed to get you on my google reader too, here's hoping blogger sorts itself out soon!

Clairwil, thank you for the tip! I shall have a look at them

Spleenal, he was a lil plastic bully! Maybe Freddy could guest star in a Spleenal episode?! I can't speak for other women, but for me I do need internal as well as clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Just the way my body is built I guess. Thanks for the suggestions BG x

having my cake said...

Flipping heck! I thought things were bad when I discombobulated my rabbit but yours managed to discombobulate you! I did actually look at that one for exactly the same reason as you - latex allergy. Thanks for saving me some more money altho Im sorry to hear that it's roughed your innards up.

Why don't you give lovehoney a call (their number is on the front page) and explain what happened. I've always found them extremely friendly and you might find they are willing to offer a replacement that fits in with your specification.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Thanks Cake, that's a great idea. Actually I think it's probably an amazing rabbit (though it does have a few similar reviews to mine when I checked) but I suspect it is a bit on the big size for petite women...you'd just struggle to get the ears in the right place, but it's incredibly powerful so you'd be less likely to discombulate it. I'll send you a very nearly new one if you like ;) heehee x

LceeL said...

My wife and her older sister have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I can so feel your pain. I rub her back every night, and her hands and her feet. I try to help as much as I can. But there is no real help. She does, however, enjoy her little rabbit, every once in a while.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Lceel, your wife must be a lucky woman! I always think for a supposedly rare condition, EDS is actually surprisingly common.
I'm thinking about getting a mini rabbit, but having got the captain to change the batteries in my trusty old vibe I'm not in a major hurry now! lol BG x