Thursday, December 06, 2007
The Great Pretender
I made it to the Post Office without incident yesterday (a minor miracle in itself) and collected the parcel containing the rabbits Zelda and I had ordered from Lovehoney at the weekend. I was amused by the constant stream of women going in to collect parcels the posties had failed to deliver for one reason or another, the thought of all these bored housewives going to collect their sex toys kept making me giggle.
I stopped giggling when I got home and managed to get the parcel open. I'd chosen the Platinum Rabbit purely because it was the only one I could see clearly marked as not containing latex (I'm too sensitive to latex to use latex gloves or condoms). This thing is huge. Significantly bigger in girth and longer than the Jessica Rabbit that Zelda had ordered. I left it stood on the table all afternoon, mocking my fear of it's size while the smaller rabbit that of course I couldn't use taunted me from it's box. Every so often I eyed it up, just to see if it was still as worryingly big as I thought it was. It was.
Zelda came round in the evening to collect her Jessica Rabbit and to watch the series finale of Heroes (was it just me, or was the ending a bit of a let down?) As soon as she arrived she tore into her rabbit, at which point the laughing started. It has a face on it. Whilst mine looked all vaguely futuristic and cool in its disturbingly large way...the Jessica was just hilarious. Party pink, stinking to high heaven of medicinal type latex, and to cap it all off, someone saw fit to try and hide the fact it's shaped like a cock, by, horror of horrors, putting a little face on it, and trying to turn the glans into hair.
Heroes over, and Zelda gone home, I decided to give 'Freddy' a go. The lounge was warm and dimly lit by fire and candlelight, so with some music and reading matter to entertain I was all set to conquer my fear of the size of this thing. Half a tube of KY later it had eaten my orgasm and left me with several tears and internal bruising and Freddy was named. Not quiet the wildly multi orgasmic screaming success I'd imagined.
The only easy bit to use on Freddy was the buttons to control the vibrations, and even then once covered in copious amounts of lube they became a bit tricky to negotiate. I do realise that I'm petite enough to make Kylie look like a strapping lass, but I can in some senses compensate for that by the sheer good fortunate (oh the irony!) of having a genetic disorder that turns me into Elasto girl. If a bit broken. Stretchy I do well. Stretch enough for Freddy. Not happening. The vibrations were so intense even on the lowest settings that it was just uncomfortable, and eventually I worked out that the shaft needed to be, shall we say less constrained to do it's rotating thing.
This morning both my hips were out, one shoulder dislocated so badly and so loudly as to startle neighbour out of the chair she was sitting in, I found tears internally as well as externally and I feel as though I've been kicked in the kidney area. Back to the drawing board. Or right now, Nabootique.