Desperate Times

8/02/2009 03:41:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 6 Comments

Recently I found myself in the delightful position of buying yet more fucking vibrators. A fun task you might think? Well, perhaps but disappointingly I purchased said vibrator as a massager. I know, I know, it's an age old cliche, women buy 'massagers' to use as vibrators, but in the absence of any better offers all I have to screw with is cliche. That and horribly spasmed muscles which frankly hurt enough to make the idea of girly self pleasure laughable. So a massaging style vibrator seemed like a good idea. They always do at the time. Ideas I mean, rather than vibrators. Or wanks now I come to think of it.

So, upon opening my brand spanking new massager I was actually rather disappointed to find the instruction leaflet proudly proclaiming "this is a vibrator not a massager"...along with some fluff about not being coy.

As if being single isn't bad enough. The lack of strong male hands willing to massage my sore bits is in itself regrettable, but the massager/vibrator imposter is something else altogether! I was gutted. Especially as the stupid vibrator in disguise is not really powerful enough to sort out my spasmed muscles. As for my lacking attention bits...forget it, no way am I putting that thing anywhere near 'em, it's way too powerful for that!'s not like I have a shortage of properly designed girl pleasing toys.

So lacking a personal masseuse/man sized sex toy I decided it will be better for both my bank balance and sore muscles to find a man. Unlike our lovely MP's who seem to be able to purchase anything they want from the John Lewis list I could not find a tax payer funded cripple friendly catalogue of men to pick from. Which left internet dating. Again. At least these days there are plenty of decent free dating sites. A long time BSS reader 'that scrounging northerner'* had previously recommended plentyoffish as one of the best free sites.

As this is not intended to be a review of free dating sites all I'll say is that plentyoffish is, um, well, um, free. Actually it works pretty well for a free dating site as it includes a reasonable search facility. However, the downside to free is how well it works attracting those who can't pay as well as those who could but chose not to. Important, as I may be benefit scrounging scum but it's not a quality I seek in prospective partners.

Doing the internet dating thing has made me think of what characteristics I'm really looking for in a partner. I think it's probably time to mature the list from it's current state:

Strong hands
Ability to carry me on a regular basis

as so far all that's not exactly brought me the most well rounded specimens of manhood. No snickering, discussions of that kind of manhood to feature in upcoming installments.

* How are you dear?


Dark Side said...

I keep having the same thoughts at the moment of getting back on the wagon but not really wanting to pay for it, let me know how you get on and good

Euripides said...

Hello BSS,

Have you tried a TENS unit? They are electical massage machines that work through sticky pads. I know Lloyds pharmacies make their own brand, starting at about 15 pounds.

Also,have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? I know it sounds new age/hippy, but it was developed by a doctor (Jon Kabat-Zinn) who really does sound new age/hippy ;) at the pain/stress reduction clinic @ Massachusetts Medical School, dealing with pain and stress problems that couldn't be solved by medication. If you are interested I could get you a couple of his cds for you?

All the best,

steph said...


I've several friends in your predicament (as regards having a man). They've all tried those online dating sites and generally the conclusion has been that they're better off doing without. But then, their needs are different to yours. It'll be fun to see your new list of characteristics!!!

I have a friend that has been doing the internet dating thing for some time now, and at the end of the day she has decided it is no better than the bar scene in a lot of ways.

Then again, your experience may vary...

Anonymous said...

strong hands yup

Intelligence, think so

Humour, sometimes

Ability to carry me on a regular basis always

Weird have to be

:-) jurid

cogidubnus said...

I'm being good and saying nothing...I'll have you know this is a first!