Monday, March 03, 2008

I can has sum mac an cheez?


I once got invited to a dinner party where I was so revolted by the food that I just drank. And drank. Then some. Unfortunately it wasn't that kind of dinner party. It was the kind where you really have to behave yourself. I was dating someone maybe 10 years older than myself, and they were his friends. I'm famous for having demanded a cheeseburger in the Savoy (yes, seriously) so when presented with
whatever sludgy bean nastiness had been oh so carefully stuffed into some green crap booze was the only option. Packet mac and cheese would have been manna from heaven. It was vile. They were old too. The hosts that is. My youngest sister had gone to school with their son. Don't underestimate the awfulness of it. From what I recall, which truly isn't much, the conversation focused on.... Actually I don't recall at all, I just drank some more.


I don't usually drink alcohol. I'm a horrible lightweight. It does bad things to me.


I could remember being at the table. The next thing I knew I was lying, flat on my back on the living room floor, missing the several hours in between. All conversation is gone from me, except the one, shining snippet of hideousness where I described, in hugely graphic detail to the man of the house what a daisy chain is. I was a hit with him. Somewhat less so with his wife.


I remember begging to be taken away. Literally begging.


Unfortunately, my date listened to my assurances that I was sober enough and took me to a party thrown by some of my friends. I drunkenly mock snogged a female friend. Or three. Fell over alot then I assume went home.

As I only found out about going to the party at all the following day when my date, rather frostily suggested things were over. And that I might like to seek help for my alcohol problem.


16 comments:

cogidubnus said...

Hon if that's an alcohol problem, then you can solve puzzles with me any time you like! (groan) - Seriously though, don't you just hate stuffed shirts?

LceeL said...

You are young but once. And during that youth you're supposed to accumulate the stories you will frighten your children with when they begin stepping out of line. Good start, that.

frog ponds rock... said...

hehehehehehehehe

Drunken mock snogging with your girlfriends is heaps of fun when your pickled... so is dirty dancing with the same girlfriend etc etc.. I agree with Lou You are only young once...

cheers kim xxx

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Cogi: Why thank you...half completed crosswords do you ?! boom boom! Seriously though...the guy really did think I had an alcohol problem...thank god I say! lol

Lou: In that case, any kids I may have will be terrified heehee

Kim: Absolutely, and it should never stop I say! x

Jim said...

Last night I discovered that champagne, followed by gin can have a catastrophic effect on my sobriety!

J

Vi said...

hey, if the food was that bad, you were ENTITLED to get pissed!

having my cake said...

^^^^^
Wot she said! Absolutely no other option. I went to a dinner party where they specifically asked if there was anything I didn't like. I replied: 'Cheese' (Sorry, Mr DNA). When dinner was served, the first course was carrot and orange soup which was ok but not one of my favourite varieties of soup so I only had a small bowl. This was followed by Lasagne with a side salad covered in grated cheese. I picked at the salad and ate two of the four slices of bread and butter that were supplied for the six of us and hoped for a more promising dessert. The final straw was the chocolate cheese cake, which was of course followed by cheese with cheesy crackers. Would to God I could have got drunk but I was the designated driver. My husband just couldnt understand why, at 2am, I became a little tetchy at his reluctance to leave. I was bloody starving!!!!

cogidubnus said...

The very worst combinations in my experience have been :-

A) Alternating...Tequilla Sunrise and Gin & Orange ... wonderfully colourful and complete technicolour yawning...drink this and you'll find out who your friends aren't...

OR

B) Combined...Scotch and Brandy...please don't ask me why...I was only about 20, and pissed before I started on them...I'd have been better off drinking lighter fuel (and it probably would've tasted better too, even ignited)...

Please understand, these are only the worst examples...I'm generally very responsible and sober as befits my profession, (yeah ... right!) but in my time I've had some moments!

I recall after one really hefty new years party in the eastern end of Brighton having to explain to my (then) wife why I very passionately kissed goodbye both of our gay hosts...as a reasonably straight male, a tad less socially acceptable, methinks, than your equally suspect actions...

(Well they were very dear friends and their party had been great)...

Similarly I had trouble, (the following year), explaining why I'd woken up next to a beautiful female work colleague, whilst she (my then wife) had woken up in a gutter...(whoops!)

These things happen!

(Odd to reflect, perhaps, that my first wife ended up in a lesbian relationship, whilst I ended up in a totally straight relationship with five kids...ho hum...)

spleenal said...

every once and a while someone finds my blog by doing a search for lesbian train.

Casdok said...

Sounds like you are better off without him anyway!!

Emma said...

Ooops sounds like something I would have done.....xx

Stonehead said...

I have the unfortunate habit of doing similar things...


...while stone-cold sober.

I like the odd scrumpy or single malt, and make a fair bit of home brew but have never been rat-arsed in my life.

I just tend to annoy stuffed shirts, uptight plonkers and arrogant twats. Not that I'm unduly bother by that!

Samantha said...

You remind me of me :) He he

kingmagic said...

Lil sis....where was my invite?

Sounds like a good party! A party is only ever as good as the amount of alcohol induced different planet silliness it invokes!

You always remember the good parties you've been to....well when someone tells you the next day what you did!

Km big bro...x

Marla said...

Wow. You must have really been drinking. I try to avoid the stuff. It just makes me sleepy. I agree with C..better off without him!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Jim: I want to know more about your discovery!!

Vi: It was the only option!

Cake: Good heavens, were they trying to tell you something?! Not fun at all, I'm amazed you were so polite and stayed so long!

Cogi: I'm awed...and want an invitation to your next party! heehee

Spleenal: Impressive. Not seeing the link though, something to do with going like a train?

Cas: he was an absolute wanker. This happened years ago though, so no worries on that front

Emma: I'm in good company x

Stoney: I don't 'need' alcohol to behave like that, it's just more likely! I'm such a lightweight that I'd probably had very little to drink, I think it's something to do with the EDS that makes me lose all co-ordination from alcohol..it's a running joke with my friends that I don't need to drink anything, just have it waved under my nose!

SAm: Excellent, I approve ;)

Big Bro: Next party I guarantee you an invite!

Marla: Alcohol affects me so strongly I'd probably had very little to drink, my latest post being a good example! BG x