Sunday, September 21, 2008

Dark, White and Milk

I love to death walk. That acute, relentless burn spreading out through my joints from core to tips. Washing away all thought and emotion in the need to focus so powerfully upon movement brings, eventually, a freedom and clarity of mind. Repetitive of route I love to watch the changing seasons play out in growing children's games amongst colours of trees and plants.

FloatingStumbling along today I measured changes passed in the year since I wrote about the strength of my chocolate lust. My walking has certainly improved in a physical sense, even if my hips violently disagree, but more it has linked me back to a world I'd thought lost for good.

It started more like three years ago. Perhaps even four or five. So gradually I didn't notice and so fast I couldn't not, my world shrank to four walls and a screen. A time much of which is blessedly blurred to me now. Cold, hunger and despair can never be forgotten, but nor should they be too closely remembered.

A moment of clarity driven by bitter despair. Two different views of a future played out as clearly as any Dickens' ever wrote. Wanting neither, still I wanted one less. Understood all I had to do to be me.

There were many months I was too weak to do more than sit. Exhausting myself at first for seconds, eventually long hours spent sat working my body to build some kind of strength while I fought for my mind to understand.

Those first few haltering steps blinded me with the brilliance of a world too long hidden from me. I would battle to go half a dozen paces away from, then back to the house. Increasing the number by one a day. It was perhaps another year before I celebrated rounding the long since closed sweet shop on the corner. And another yet before the welcome taste of chocolate to come.

As lives and seasons moved on around me, I built one anew. More different than I could ever have dreamed and all the sweeter still for earning.


Marla said...

I so understand the motivation that chocolate can bring. I have not had any in almost eight weeks now and some days I crave it real bad! I have had to come up with other motivations for pushing myself to exercise.

Today though, I did have an ice cream cone! First one with sugar in weeks. It was soooooo good.

I am glad you are walking.

Thanks for including the therapy store link.

frogpondsrock said...

I am suffering from "commenter's block".. So I will just wave and smile to let you know that I am still here.. xxx Kim

Mary said...

I can't help but wonder what happens when you reach that gap where you consistently can wobble 100m (so no DLA or blue badge) but can't wobble as far as the shop/bus stop/etc (so can't manage day to day life without the DLA or blue badge).

Dave said...

re Mary's comment- cross that bridge when you reach it girl!

Ms Ordinarée said...

Re Mary's comment, I guess thats one wonderful (sarcasm) thing about having something which may be manageable, but which is still Noncurable (like EDS, and of course other nastier/ as nasty things etc) as opposed to one which may see improvements and eventual cures (such as loads of things such as some chronic fatigue syndromes, depression, etc etc)....Us EDS'rs will never get back to how we were or even close...So I think its not even worth worrying about that stage...sadly..

Hope you are Ok Bendy. I'm shattered and the like. Trying to throw together a few blog posts which I have been writing forever....Sucks that either too knackered, too much pain, dislocations etc etc or taking kids to school etc ( etc being going in today to listen to kids read!)...

Catch you tomorrow?

Oh btw, not sure if MysteriousG told u but my laptop issues seem to be similar ( ie battery/lead based) so we can't stop having the same things to some extent/degree, can we? LOL...

Ms O