Spider In The Bath

9/05/2011 07:16:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 11 Comments

This morning there was a spider in my bath. A spider so big it was possessed of visible ankles, which to add insult to injury were clearly more stable than mine. Being the brave warrior typecomplete wimp that I am, I squealed pathetically on sight and consulted social media for the most effective spider removing advice I could find. Having first insisted that any advice about the spider being more scared of me would be dismissed on the grounds that it can definitely run faster than me.

Once I'd read all the helpful advisory tweets I concluded the best option for me and the housebreaking arachnid was to wash it down the plug hole. Thoroughly so it couldn't pull an insey winsey trick and climb back up. Shower head in hand I pointed it at spidey and took a deep, slightly wobbly breath.

It bloody JUMPED at me!! Jumped. Repeatedly. In a sort of reverse bungy jumping, spidery kind of way. Once I'd screamed hysterically and fallen over my own feet trying to get out of the bathroom before the spider could kill me, I realised the spider was part of a wider web of intrigue. I suspect the government are now employing jumping spiders to test the veracity of claimed level of disability. If you can reel backwards when the spider jumps you're fit for work. Let's face it, spiders are cheaper than the current DWP contractors and with the current accuracy rates for decisions 'battle the arachnid for benefits' is a viable alternative.


Peppa said...

That is the funniest thing I have read all year so far. Really made me laugh considering I am a totally wimp too when it comes to spiders especially the ones with rucksacks and pit boots lol. You were still so much braver than I would have been but yeah wtg department of work and pensions that's another 60% you have got back into work lol

Anonymous said...

I evicted a massive great big hunting spider from my flat last week that had set up home in my hall curtains - a jam jar and lid worked very well as the sides of the jar are too slippery for the spider to climb out.

... and no, they don't scare me anymore and I have that video at home as it was one of my daughter's favourites.

The Goldfish said...

I was once terrorised by an enormous spider that kept appearing when I was in the bath - twice emerging from my clothes as I was getting dressed. I couldn't kill it, just shewed it away. Frankly, I think it was in love with me.

Finally one day, I got out of the bath and wrapped the towel around me. Then, as I unwrapped the towel, I found the spider, crushed to death between the towel and my bosom...

fiona said...

Love it Kaliya!!

: )

: )

: )

Opportunities for testing abound as it is Spider Time Of Year. That time when archnids of every shape and size collectively decide it is far more cosy inside my house than out in the cold and rain and somehow miraculously gain entry to every corner of the house and take up residence.

In my case, if you can supress fear and loathing enough to reach for a plastic container and piece of card to insert under dreaded arachnid in order to trap it and eject it out of previously opened window... you are Fit for Work.

Anonymous said...

Hi all..
very funny & i love the video!.. I am so afraid of spiders but I just have to come to their defence... I understand it is just impossible for some of us deal with them & keep control of our bodies at the same time lol.. BUT don't you see you are making them 'Other' just as people do to the poor, disabled etc... How would we like to be sprayed with scalding water or have our limbs torn off as we are sucked into a vacuum tornado??... Is it really ok to kill something because we are afraid of it???
It's taken me years to learn how to wait & then cover them with a pint glass (without breaking their legs) & ever so carefully slide a large piece of card underneath which i put on floor outside (door opened first!), lift the glass & off they go... I haven't had one jump at me for years...
Now please don't underestimate my fear & I acknowledge that the phobia for some will prevent them from doing the same as me... All I ask is that in the midst of your terror you still consider ways of removal that leave these creatures intact...
It's a little bit sad to see such discussion on ways to terrorise & kill them rather than save them.. Know of any other organisations that choose this approach lol?!
According to American Indian folklore Spiders are our ancestors (especially Grandparents) who visit to see how we are & to protect the child within us... It may sound silly but if you can build a desire to protect them too, like Bees, it may become easier to deal with the reaction in your body which can be similar to how able bodies react to disabled bodies... & great satisfaction comes from removing the creature & watching it carry on it's free life... Don't forget throwing it out a window may kill it & so thwart point of safe removal lol! Also I'm not positive but I think those big hunters are female & they are not hunting us & they are definitely terrified of us & with good reason!
Of course I am writing this with tongue in cheek but is there food for thought here?... We class them as enemies when really they may be comrades... I believe the spiders would refuse to work for DWP lol!
Best wishes to all :)

Goldfish: You're right, that spider had a major crush on you ;)

Fiona: Usually I too subscribe to that method but this one was too big!

Anon: The spider was safely relocated to it's new home in the back alley without harm by Lovely Carer who won't kill or hurt any living thing Xx

Ron Graves said...

Big spiders are female, either looking for a mate or for somewhere to lay their eggs. Taking one down thus has an impact on future spider populations. Afraid of us? No, never believed that at all.

On one occasion, I opened the door of the crockery cupboard, only to be confronted by a big, black, spider (how it got in there is a mystery as the doors were kept closed).

In a hurry to get to work (DWP note - this was nearly 30 years ago - calm down), I grabbed the only thing to hand - a feather duster - to chivvy it out of the cupboard and onto the floor, so I could jump up and down on it.

Instead, the damned thing grabbed hold of the feathers, hauled itself on board and galloped up the handle towards my hand, causing me to give a girly squeak of alarm, drop the thing on the floor. Then jump up and down on it.

Afraid? Well, one of us was!

Could Lovely Carer be persuaded to adopt me, do you think? I'm not far away and in a remarkably (for a modern building), spidery flat!

One final thought - a shower spray only works an smaller spiders - a mug-full of hot water, on target, will take care of big ones (a kettle-full is better, but not feasible, I suppose). Raid Crack and Crevice Spray, or their Cockroach Spray, are prime spider-killers, but watch out for Bendy Cat - who, by the way, seems to be falling down on spider-killing duties.

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha! this is the best laugh i've had for ages... & it's ok I know your lovely carer rescued you both cos i read it on twitter... truth is i'm so afraid of them i CAN'T go to bed unless i have caught it & put it out or in deperation shut all doors & leave my 2 cats to sort it out ha ha :)

Ron: Sadly BendyCat is arachnaphobic. And to be fair she'd also qualify for high rate DLA so not up to the task of spider slayer ;)