Contraceptives have always been a bit of a sticky issue for me. Being bendy means being much more susceptible to the natural changes in flexibility caused by the female menstrual cycle. Over the years many, many disastrous experiences with various forms of hormonal contraception have left me with no wish to ever try another. An IUD which managed to get itself stuck half in, half out of my cervix a mere 24 hours after being fitted, requiring an unceremonious yanking out in A&E means I'm non too keen to try that option again. Medical opinion on the subject of diaphragms or caps is that due to the weak connective tissue found in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome I don't have the tissue strength to hold one in place properly. What all this really means is that the only realistic option I have for contraception is condoms. It couldn't possibly be that simple though ...to cap it all...I'm too sensitive to latex to use a latex condom.
Until recently there was only one non latex condom readily available, the Durex Avanti. Fortunately for those of us with issues with latex the problem has become much more common, which has led to money and research into the issue. The Avanti did the job it was supposed to, as a safe, reliable condom but it didn't exactly feel great, and the interesting sound effect of 'shagging a crisp packet' never really helped the atmosphere! Durex Avanti's are also incredibly expensive, usually retailing for approximately £7 for 5 condoms. Unlike latex condoms, bags of which are often handed out for free in bars, universities or NHS clinics, if you need non latex condoms the NHS will fund 2 a week, and you'll probably have to travel to a specialist family planning clinic to collect them.
So, just before travelling to see The Best Man I was delighted to spot a new non latex condom in my home town's tiny branch of Boots. Made by Mates and called Skyn I was even happier to see that Skyn are sold in boxes of 12, which were on a buy 2 for £10 deal. That's so many more shags per pound sterling my poor brain can't even work it out!
As we all know, most condoms smell a bit..well, distinctively weird and unmistakably condom like. The first thing you notice about Mates Skyn is that there's no unpleasant smell. They also feel completely different when you handle them. Much more slippery in a comfortable kind of way than a typical latex or latex free condom. The Best Man informs me that Mates Skyn are also a comfortable fit, unlike most condoms which do rather tend to cut off the circulation to sensitive boy bits.
Mates Skyn are made from "Sensoprene which has a completely different structure to normal latex, making it thinner, softer and much more flexible, all with the strength of a latex condom." When using Avanti's I'm used to a background worry that the condom will split, which can be a particular problem in erm, the more petite woman. However, that's not a worry with the Skyn as they just feel more durable and less likely to decide to break open at the slightest hint of pressure. Happily coupled with that increased strength really is increased sensitivity, to the point where you can actually feel the texture and temperature of the other person's skin through the condom. I wouldn't go quite so far as to support the claim by Mates that the condom itself enhances sensation, but it certainly is the closest feeling to wearing nothing I've ever experienced whilst using a condom.
Thanks Mates, you've certainly made me a happy girl!
I am not the only penis breaker!! Woot, woot!
Recently I found myself in the delightful position of buying yet more fucking vibrators. A fun task you might think? Well, perhaps but disappointingly I purchased said vibrator as a massager. I know, I know, it's an age old cliche, women buy 'massagers' to use as vibrators, but in the absence of any better offers all I have to screw with is cliche. That and horribly spasmed muscles which frankly hurt enough to make the idea of girly self pleasure laughable. So a massaging style vibrator seemed like a good idea. They always do at the time. Ideas I mean, rather than vibrators. Or wanks now I come to think of it.
So, upon opening my brand spanking new massager I was actually rather disappointed to find the instruction leaflet proudly proclaiming "this is a vibrator not a massager"...along with some fluff about not being coy.
As if being single isn't bad enough. The lack of strong male hands willing to massage my sore bits is in itself regrettable, but the massager/vibrator imposter is something else altogether! I was gutted. Especially as the stupid vibrator in disguise is not really powerful enough to sort out my spasmed muscles. As for my lacking attention bits...forget it, no way am I putting that thing anywhere near 'em, it's way too powerful for that! Besides...it's not like I have a shortage of properly designed girl pleasing toys.
So lacking a personal masseuse/man sized sex toy I decided it will be better for both my bank balance and sore muscles to find a man. Unlike our lovely MP's who seem to be able to purchase anything they want from the John Lewis list I could not find a tax payer funded cripple friendly catalogue of men to pick from. Which left internet dating. Again. At least these days there are plenty of decent free dating sites. A long time BSS reader 'that scrounging northerner'* had previously recommended plentyoffish as one of the best free sites.
As this is not intended to be a review of free dating sites all I'll say is that plentyoffish is, um, well, um, free. Actually it works pretty well for a free dating site as it includes a reasonable search facility. However, the downside to free is how well it works attracting those who can't pay as well as those who could but chose not to. Important, as I may be benefit scrounging scum but it's not a quality I seek in prospective partners.
Doing the internet dating thing has made me think of what characteristics I'm really looking for in a partner. I think it's probably time to mature the list from it's current state:
Intelligence,
Humour,
Strong hands
Ability to carry me on a regular basis
Weird
as so far all that's not exactly brought me the most well rounded specimens of manhood. No snickering, discussions of that kind of manhood to feature in upcoming installments.
* How are you dear?
On Wednesday morning at precisely 6.46am I was startled awake by a loud drilling type noise. Somewhat confused I stumbled off to the loo, dislocated a few joints, threw oxycontin down my throat and got back into bed, completing the exciting ensemble by putting in some ear plugs. I figured that with the good weather the builders working next door had started early. There was no more noise and I woke in a better mood a couple of hours later.
When I woke for the second time I thought it was a bit odd that I couldn't hear any building works, but thought if they'd started that early it was to avoid the heat. Or something.
Later in the day I asked the builders if they'd started work early. They said no, in fact they'd been later than usual. When my neighbours came home from work I asked them if they'd heard the noise, as it had been loud enough to shock me awake I assumed other people must've heard something. The neighbours hadn't heard anything. They thought maybe I'd got the time wrong as their son fell down the stairs very loudly about an hour later*, but I'd not heard that, probably because of the ear plugs**.
It was, frankly, all a bit of a mystery. I knew there'd been an actual noise as opposed to my dreaming it because Bendycat had also woken up but I was no further along in finding out what it had been. The builders had suggested perhaps the garage in the next road had been working early, and in the absence of any other reason I thought that must be the case.
Until about 6pm when I went to get something out of my bedroom. There are lots of loose floorboards in this flat. I've placed my bedside chest of drawers over the loose floorboard in my bedroom as it was previously loose enough to trip me up. The weight of the chest of drawers means that every time I go into my bedroom it sets off my touchlight alarm clock, but doesn't trip me up. Seemed like a reasonable trade off to me.
However, this time I realised the loose floorboard was setting off more than my alarm clock. As I stepped on it the loud drilling type noise started up again. Only not quite so loud as it had been when I was sleeping with my ear next to it. Loud though. In the way that only a vibrator switching itself on against a wooden drawer base could be.
Oops!
*He's fine!
** A teenage boy living upstairs means I keep in a constant supply of ear plugs
Some time ago I stumbled across this collection of images, Erotic By Nature, taken by photographer David Steinberg. One of the categories in his collection is Sex and Disability, the photographs are stunningly beautiful depictions of shared intimacy as they record the sex lives of actual couples, one or both of whom happen to be disabled.
Please be warned, these are photographs of full penetration and are absolutely not in any way safe for work or suitable for under 18's.
It's been one of those days. No, not that one, the other one. Blogging is great for many reasons. One being that it's connected me to a world full of people just as capable of chaos in their lives. Oh...and setting their cat's tail on fire. Twice. Damn - burned fur smells awful!*
I went out earlier to meet my old school friend, Marie. I expected to be out for two hours at the most so arranged to talk to someone online at 5pm ish. It being one of those days I did keep the second appointment. Four and a half hours later.
In between time there had been a little beer drunk by some, and a little green smoked by others. We abandoned the bar we were in to come back here so another friend Jenn could try on my underwear. Whilst waiting for Jenn I answered the door to three very pretty, but very young men boys. Wearing bright yellow tops and ostensibly selling offering invitations to sponsor endangered Antarctic pink shrimps or something.
They were far more interested in coming in to have a party with Marie and I. Who were both slightlytotally destroyed, though perhaps not as much as my swaying made them believe. You could literally see the words 'Mrs Robinson' light up in neon over these boys heads. Even when I told one I had shoes older than him. I dread to think how many women had already let them in that day! Give them their due, they worked hard to try and persuade us to have a party with them, considerably more effort than they were willing to give the Antarctic prawn sponsorship. As Marie and I went to a girl's grammar rather than Lolita's whorehousethe local convent school we were paranoid it was a distraction burglarly/fishing scam rather than adolescent male orgy fantasy so we turned them down in favour of watching Jenn model my underwear. At least I can grant one of their wishes. To be immortalised in writing.
I promised to immortalise not infamise. Which as it turns out is not a word. According to dictionary.com. But I like it so much I'm going to make it one. Remember where you heard it first.
*No kitty's were harmed in the course of them setting their own tail on fire.
Perhaps there's something in that southern sea air? Cornwall seem to be one of the few places to recognise that disability, ill health and old age are no barrier to sexual desire and fantasies. Let's hope the rest of the world catches up soon, and the politically correct whiners shut the fuck up and stop spoiling all the fun!
90 year old woman served fish and chips by a waiter wearing a see through apron and thong
Four men with Huntingdon's enjoy night out at lapdancing club
As an aside I bet they were better behaved than my friend Ziggy who was recently evicted from such an establishment for vomiting all over one of the dancers. He's not allowed to go back...unlike these men
Prompted by a comment I left elsewhere about vulvular massage as a treatment for hysteria I found this wonderful brief history of the vibrator . Invented in 1880 as a labour saving device for physicians with tired arms.
Fantastic!
Thanks to Lovehoney's generosity in giving vibrators away, I actually ended up with four toys to try and an enormous cardboard box. Kitty #2 got the box to play with in an attempt to keep her from jumping on my head whilst I was road testing the toys. Unfortunately she was not fooled by my paper based bribes and throughout the entire experiment jumped on and off the bed yowling her displeasure.
I'm glad someone did. Express their annoyance that is, as everyone else involved in the experiment (limited to humans only) seemed to be having a great time. The rabbit I'd ordered for the friend who'd never seen, let alone used a vibrator clearly went down a storm as I received a text long before bedtime just saying "Fantastic! TY". At that time I was still too busy trying to break into all the packaging and wondering exactly what the bin men were going to think of me when they found it all. Good job I removed that red lightbulb really.
Having listened to all the advice you kindly gave, I then completely ignored it and got carried away by Lovehoney's free offers. I was tempted by the fun factory toys as I love my existing one, but unfortunately they all seemed to have the same snap shut cover for the batteries and that's the only problem with the one I have, my hands aren't big enough or strong enough to work the squeeze and pull mechanism. No matter how great the toy, if it doesn't have a simple twist off battery cover it's not going to be any good for me. It's not the best way to choose a vibrator though.
I settled on the tulip wand as Ms Cake speaks so highly of hers, and the silicone bendy,which as someone previously commented must've been made for me! The other toys came free.
The only issue with batteries was the mountain I needed to power this little lot. Thank goodness for rechargeables! I settled myself down for an early night surrounded by sex toys, tubes of lube and dirty photos of the captain.
When I saw the gecko (one of the free toys) I thought it looked quite promising. Similar principle to the rabbit, but much more sensibly proportioned. Touching it wasn't quite so promising though as although the edges weren't sharp as such, they were harsh and a bit hard to the touch. The best I can say about this toy is that it was uncomfortable to use.
The silicon bendy was next. It turned out to be quite a basic toy, the attraction being that it's both bendy and waterproof. It wasn't quite bendy enough for my liking, but I admit my standards of bendable may not be the same as others. All in all I think this would be an excellent toy for couple play, but as a solo it wasn't quite up to the task.
The tulip was a different matter! Now I know why Ms Cake loves hers so much. It's deceptive looking as it packs a considerable punch, so much so that at first I found the lowest setting a little too much. It's easy to get used to though, and it's length takes any strain off your hands. I'd think it would be particularly good for anyone who has an issue with reach, and I suspect you could even use it with a wrist or hand strap quite easily.
I'm in the minority of women who require some sort of penetration to orgasm, so although the tulip was wonderful, I needed to use it alongside another toy. The Sue Johanson G-spot toy worked brilliantly in this situation. Where the rabbit had been an issue size wise, this combination was great as it left the positioning down to me, and without a rotating shaft I wasn't worrying about internal bruising.
The G-spot toy was particularly good as the shape meant it would stay in place on it's own, leaving the hands free to manipulate the tulip. I suddenly realised just why so many women rave about their rabbits when I was able to work both together-like the text said, Fantastic!
The thing about being a cripple is that you find yourself in situations you never would have dreamed of. Especially sex related ones. Whilst the world may be obsessed with sex in it's every infinite variety, I've yet to see anything mainstream and vaguely decent relating to crip sex. And no, those fetish sites don't count.
I should've realised this much earlier on in my crippled existence. Perhaps the first time I had to ask for help to shave my own armpit should've been a warning sign, but never one to learn I constantly find myself the victim of misfortune. Mostly my own.
Those who've been reading BSS for a while may remember Freddy. In all his obscenely large glory. Since then in an attempt to move him away from The Great Pretender stage and towards The Love Of My Life I've made a few efforts to get to know Freddy better. I'd like to tell you they were successful and I've been keeping my neighbours up nights screaming with pleasure, but sadly it's not to be. Freddy is still an over sized and over rated let down.
Very annoyingly my favourite toy is once again out of batteries, and does not have Freddy's one redeeming feature of easy to change batteries. And of course I forgot to ask the Captain to change them when he was last home. Which led me to the unenviable situation of having to figure out who to ask to change them for me. I value my friends, but rather suspect the request to put new batteries in my vibrator could be a step too far. So I asked Roland. Knowing full well his response would be to laugh alot and make some comments about how dirty the whole thing is whilst pretending he's not getting off on the idea.
Despite Roland being well up for the idea of battery monitor I then forgot to actually produce the toy and batteries. I plead car sickness as a mitigating factor. 10 minutes of winding lanes at 90+ mph never does much for my stomach. Even after a break wandering barefoot round the police car park I was still staggering when I got home. So that's why I forgot. Honest.
Which leads me to the point of this ramble. I need a new toy. This being where you lot come in. Ahem. It must be latex free and not require an engineer to change the batteries. I liked the idea of a rabbit because it provides penetrative as well as clitoral stimulation, and that combination is vital for me. I'm quite happy to use two toys to do the job, so long as it's not too complicated. The mantra 'do not drive or operate heavy machinery' is a good one to remember.
This is not just for me though, I've also been tasked with toy buying for someone else. A woman in her early 50's with zero experience of sex toys. The only information I've been able to elicit from her is that she is not allergic to latex and that it is all about the penetration. And that once I've bought the toy I am to hide it in her bag and never mention it again.
So there you have it. Rather than make another expensive mistake I'm asking for the benefits of your collective wisdom. What worked, or not for you? Anything you'd really recommend, and just as importantly advise steering well clear of? I'm inclined towards some sort of wand or bullet and vibe combination, but does that require alot of manual dexterity? Will a rabbit be too intimidating for someone completely new to the world of sex toys?
Once all advice is in and I make a decision about what to buy I promise a review will follow. Although, that could take a while...depending on how effective said toy is ;)
I'm generally known to be scatty, but I seem to have surpassed myself this time.
On Saturday both Ziggy and his girlfriend thanked me. I had no idea why or what for, but hey, its always nice to be appreciated.
When I questioned what I might have done to deserve such effusive gratitude they both blushed. And then some.
Amidst the red cheeks and giggles I asked again what I could have done that was so wonderful. Ziggy reminded me of the out of date Bailey's incident.
Now that I do remember, at least some of it anyway. I insisted upon making a tribute to Anthony Gormley. Out of gingerbread men. That was before I drank the out of date Bailey's, fell over alot and had to be sent to bed.
What I didn't and still don't remember is the sex advice I was handing out that night. Allegedly. Ziggy would say no more than it involved thumbs.
Two days later and I still have no idea what I might have suggested he do with his thumbs to produce such pleasure. It seems to have worked though, so perhaps drunken sex advisor is my true vocation.
Any thoughts on what I might have suggested, comment away. Please. It might just trigger my memory!
