9/07/2009 01:35:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 21 Comments

As those of you who follow my inane tweetings will already know I went to visit Big at the weekend. He's primarily based overseas these days but when back in the UK we try to get together for a catch up*. So Saturday night I headed over to Manchester so we could go out for dinner.

The restaurant Big chose looked lovely and was reliably full of customers so we had to wait 10 mins or so for a table. No big deal. Except we had to wait upstairs at the bar. Which was a bit annoying. Fortunately Big just helped me up and later down the stairs, but later when I wanted to go to the loo it became really annoying. The only toilets were upstairs. As it was so close to where Big lives and I could wait it wasn't too much of a problem, and of course if I'd been really desperate Big would've just carried me up there...but that would have been embarrassing in a busy restaurant.

As it was the toilet annoyance was outweighed by the food annoyance. Eating gluten free can be a bit tricky, and limits choices but this particular restaurant had lots of meat dishes. I ordered lamb as I always pick something the other person will eat, I'm infamous for leaving food. When it arrived the meat was beautifully cooked but the sauce it was in was so overpoweringly flavoured with vinegar (I presume from the mint sauce) that I couldn't eat it. That, combined with the tiny amount of white wine I'd had before dinner did not sit well!

As I was feeling fragile we left the restaurant early and headed home for a cuppa. A bit of fresh air worked it's magic and by bedtime I was feeling back to normal.

Until my pelvis decided to dislocate mid shag! Somehow my pelvis went backwards and the rest of me went forwards. Despite lots of contorting, help from Big who is mildly hypermobile himself and well able to assist with joint reductions and trying to let gravity help nothing was shifting. I must've been psychic when I put the diazepam in my bag as it's not a medicine I regularly take, but I was very grateful to have it with me. 2mgs didn't do the trick, so I took another 2mg. My pelvis was still miles out so I took another 2mg before falling into a fitful sleep.

Which is probably why I found myself downstairs at 6.30am vomiting all over the kitchen floor. How to be a sex kitten or what?! My puddled brain decided food was the answer, but the only thing I could find which was immediately edible was a banana. I hate bananas! Lecturing myself about not being such a child with food I managed to eat half of it. Which I immediately vomited on to the previous lot of puke I'd not cleared up.

Being a big wimp I went back to bed and woke Big up whinging that I'd been sick and needed help. Big sensibly asked where I'd vomited and upon hearing it was not on the wood floor told me to go back to sleep, he'd clear it up in the morning. Which, bless him he did without a word of complaint, and even made me breakfast**

My parting comment was to admit to having splattered Big's dressing gown with vomit as I'd been wearing it when I threw up. It's really no surprise I'm single!!

*Yes alright, and a shag. But I am a lady don't you know! That and a blatant bullshit merchant
** Which of course I played with more than I ate!


Fire Byrd said...

Welcome back from twitter land.
Great entrance back here! Wonderful image of Big needing to cart you upstairs for a pee if required!
Just as well you got the shag before the vomiting really!

Rach said...

I know I shouldn't laugh but it's the way you tell things and yes I too had the wonderful image of you being carried through a packed restaurant to go the loo and then getting there and finding you had to queue.

Great to have you back..xx

Unknown said...

Methinks, perhaps, it might be better if Big came to you (No pun intended) rather than you going to visit him. The circumstances, then, would be more controllable, for you, i.e., familiar restaurants, facilities, etc.


Coffee Ninja said...

Yo, good to have you back. Must admit, I've missed your rather dry take on life! Hope you feel better, or at least that the shag was worth it!

observer said...

" It's really no surprise I'm single!!"

Actually it continually stuns me that you're still just HAS to be totally YOUR choice...

Veronica said...

Welcome back!

You really are "unique" mate.

We must meet sometime. Not sure about the outcome but you are so funny.

Note to self, no food, booze or sex. Definetely no dressing gowns either.

Regards x

Casdok said...

Sounds like a night to remember - or rather forget!

Marjorie said...

At least you got the shag first... puking earlier would have totally killed the moment ;-)

steph said...

And the moral of this story is...

If it's a shag you're after, forget the food and head straight to bed with your diazepam!


Great to see you back blogging, Bendy

FB: Hello lovely, thanks for the welcome, hope all going better for you atm x

Rach: I'd be soooo offended if you didn't laugh ;) Xx

Lou: He does prob'ly more than I go there...I live in an area that doesn't really 'do' access though so often it's better where he lives. I have some sympathy for small businesses who can't afford expensive adjustments, especially in older buildings

CoffeeNinja: Hello and thanks! Aren't most shag's worth it?! heehee

Observer: I am a bit too fussy, but it's mostly to do with having a chronic condition that means no energy to go out to places I'd be likely to meet men...and living in a small town of less than 10, 000 ppl! I'm accepting offers though ;)

Veronica: Thanks love!

ConstableConfused: I'll buy you a cuppa to celebrate your new job! I promise, promise not to puke but make no guarantees not to fall over ;)

Casdok: Ironically it was a nice night lol! Lovely to see from your FB that C's new home is going so well x

Marjorie: I know!!

Steph: Sounds good advice to me! xx

Dave the Dog said...

Great to see you back and with a cracking opener. I feel guilty about laughing, mainly because it hurts so much ! ;o)

First, welcome back from your holiday, and to blogging, and it's really amazing how you can make shagging and puking so inherently interesting.

There is a pun in here somewhere about co(u)mming and going, I just know it.... ;-)

Joanna Cake said...

You said mid-shag... Tell me you at least got one orgasm before it all went... err... displaced...

Dave the Dog: I was asking Rob if he knew how you were so really glad to hear from you! Have you had your op? Sorry bout the laughing, it so hurts ribs ;)

MrN: Hello lovely! Thank you for your lovely comment on my ability to enliven bodily fluids teehee

Joanna: Hehe, I did...Big was not so lucky ;)

Anonymous said...

You are truly disgusting. My ex-huband permanently disabled both of my hands and other parts of my body with hyperextententions of various kinds and ruined my health and ability to work. I finally have a sort of home again - difficult to manage being disabled and on incapacity benefit. Every day and night is a struggle. May you rot in hell for posting this.

Rach said...

I am sorry Bendy but I can't let that Anon comment go by.

Anon, you don't know her so how the hell can you judge her, she is an amazing woman whom we all love and admire very much for the way she copes with her debilitating illness.

No matter how much pain she is in she never fails to raise a smile and make us all laugh.

I am sorry for what happened to you but leave Bendy to handle it the best way she can and no matter what you say about her disgusting she is not and never will be!

Trixie said...

No Anonymous, you're disgusting-and a coward. Are we disabled bendies not entitled to a night out, a relationship...a shag? Perhaps we should hide away from the public in case our popping joints offend them, perhaps we should give up having nice/happy/orgasmic bodily experiences and content ourselves with the constant bloody pain!

Gawd, someone save me from martyrs *sigh*

Yours, a bendy who has deformed and permanently knackered wrists :p (as well as all the other crap that BG so eloquently and amusingly blogs about)

BG, keep being you and thanks for making me laugh and informing me every time you blog xx