Conference Diary Day 1, #Lab12

10/04/2012 05:05:00 pm BenefitScroungingScum 3 Comments

 Manchester, Labour. In the rain. Always the sodding bloody rain...

Ok, I have clean pants, oramorph & codeine in my handbag...oh and my teddy bear. Think that is all set for conference!

I don't suppose my security pass for Conservative Conf will work at Labour conf will it? 

We arrived in style at lab tweet up-inaccessible so 2 lovely strong men carried me downstairs!

 we're at lab tweet up. Without you drawing a penis on my leg it's lacking something 
Fucking, Fucking, Fucking duck! Bastard bloody 1 way system

Been bollocked by police, driven round cocking Manchester in a cocking circle & now,. Being rescued by lazarus

Thank god for Lazarus. We're safe in hotel, will update post wee

Just fyi  I am NEVER going anywhere with you again unless I've organised every detail!

 Ok, all sitting comfortably? Here's our  disaster story..

 Fringe went well despite no bloody microphone. We talked & schmoozed. Then, foolishly went to lab tweet up..

 Lab tweet up was in a basement. No, no lift. The accessible ground floor wasn't. Staff lifted scooter, nice strangers carried me

The sodding toilet was backup the stairs..& down another flight of stairs. Draw line at asking strangers carry me to loo

 Made it back to car in pissing rain.  went return her scooter, claiming every1 drives wrong way down street

 1, ok, 2 wrong way down 1 way streets later, enter angry policewoman to bollock me. Multiple apologies later let me off 3 points, phew!

 Found sobbing  40 mins later we're still circling 1 way system. Eventually hit on genius plan to phone hotel..

 Hotel staff wait outside in rain. We drive past hotel on wrong side of road at least 6 times. Eventually overcome police induced hysteria

 Wait for policeman to move. Perform illegal u turn. Find nice hotel staff. Lazarus (yes, really his name) comes to rescue

 Lazarus gets in car with me,  goes into hotel. Lazarus insists on 2nd illegal u turn. Bloody 1vway system!

 Lazarus pushed me back to hotel where manager had got tea & brought in our bags. To add insult to injury, 20 quid to park!

 So thank you Lazarus you lovely, lovely man. Britain's a better country for having you here

 And so hopefully endeth the disaster of  with our amazing rescuers the staff of thistle hotel

 Thistle hotel was where I stayed in bristol. Best access policy & disability aware staff ever. Hugely impressive thistle group

 "shit, we're going to be locked up for being crap" 

There are many people we should thank as part of this. However, undoubtedly not a single one of them would wish to be publicly associated with this litany of petty lawbreaking, sobbing and snot... 

Things wot happened that we didn't get time to tweet;  

Met Ricky Tomlinson. Managed to avoid calling him Ricky Gervais. Failed to persuade him to attend Hardest Hit event, but came away with an invite to go to his club as his guest. Nice Ricky! 

We met Tom Greatrex and had a good chat over tea. As a sign of things to come had to swig oramorph during said chat. Rather suspect swigging oramorph from bottle in posh hotel while chatting to MP only standard behaviour for spoonies. 

We 'found' Jon Cruddas and Maurice Glasman. Clearly both thrilled to see us. Explained to everyone Maurice's skill at wheelchair pushing. It's important for Peer's to have a talent. Took Jon on magical mystery tour of Manchester Town Hall's access. Managed to push button in bizarrely padded lift. Pointed out obvious fitness for work on basis of button pushing. Glossed over hitting scooter into padded walls of lift.
Explained to Jon that you get to see all the best bits of buildings via the accessible routes. He looked a tad peturbed and asked what the access route we'd just taken was like in comparison to general access. He then looked quite troubled when I explained that this was at the impressive end of the access there was access. 

Got lost trying to move car 200m. Got aquainted with one way system. Required directions from 3 sets of police. It rained. Did we mention the rain? The rain, the bloody dropped not bloody far enough kerbs and the bloody, bloody rain.

Tapegate. Oh crap...we really did make a video diary in the car. Neither Sue nor I have a bright future in film making, but The Thick of It would be jealous of our dialogue;

"Fuck you Daily Mail...we're going to spend all our DLA on crack!" 



Anonymous said...

Well done. Triple star points from me. Hope you can at least get a good nights sleep. Alice
I will do my best to get past spam robot in 3? the sound version is quite extraordinary:-0

Anonymous said...

OMG that last comment made me wee myself lmao

Doctor Jest said...

Hey there BG. What adventures you do have now you're a "mover and shaker". For some reason I'm getting a mental picture of you knocking back the oramorph on Andrew Marr's sofa live to camera. I so hope you get to! Cheers! Dr J